My Worst Dating Mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes.   Here is a list of the worst times I screwed up while dating.  Please learn from my bonehead mistakes.


1) When I was a teenager I discovered some soft-core porn written by a famous author.   Think "50 Shades of Gray", but written by a real author rather, so it was actually pretty good.   When I purchased the second book at a book store (how we purchased books before the internet), the female clerk very pleasantly asked about the book.

I froze like a deer in headlights.  I stuttered something stupid, paid and ran faster than the deer.

Never be embarrassed about something you like - even if it's porn.  Don't let embarrassment affect your behavior.  You don't have to tell everyone everything, but if someone finds out, brave it out and see what happens.  Who knows, I might have ended up acting out scenes from the book with the young lady.



2) Once I went dancing and met this beautiful woman and I had my hopes up till she opened her mouth.  Out came the most high pitched, annoying voice I had heard, worse than Fran Drescher's "The Nanny" voice.  So I ignroed her and moved on.

Big mistake.   There must have been countless men that overlooked that gorgeous woman.   Her voice was what kept her single, and any truly intelligent man knows no one is perfect.    I should have snatched her up and held on.  Ignoring a woman because of a minor imperfection was truly stupid on my part.


3)  On two different occasions, I promised a woman that no sex would take place on our first date.  I wanted a relationship, not a one night stand.   In both cases we fooled around a lot and I am 99% sure the women in question wanted me to break my promise.  One took me to her bedroom and the other physically attempted to do the deed.   But I kept that stupid promise and left before things "got out of hand".

I never got a second date with either of them.  I should have communicated much better, at least asking her if she wanted me to break my promise.   But I also could have never made that promise in the first place or put in a caveat  ('...unless you honestly asked me to.').  Some women like to affect they are less interested in sex than they really are.  Do not do the same.


4) In my twenties  found an incredible woman who said all the right things about kinky sex.  On the first intimate date I did exactly what we discussed and I enjoyed it but she was quiet.  I thought she did not enjoy the sex.  I felt that she had lied about what she desired.  So I broke up with her.  Turns out she had enjoyed it and was just naturally quiet.  That was really just the first mistake I made.  The more important one was when she sent me an angry email clearly implying she had enjoyed the sex, I did not apologize and ask her to take me back.  My pride destroyed what could have been a great relationship.



5) In my forties I met a very nice Japanese woman.  Unfortunately she moved back to Japan.  I promised to stay in contact, but I failed to do so.  Later I learned she was interested in me and I could have turned it into something.
Long distance relationships are hard, but they are better than no relationship.  I should have stayed in touch.


6)  My worst night ever.   I found a bar that advertised dancing.  I went their and found it was small and not that crowded.  There were a group dancing in the back that included 3 young woman - a blonde, and two brunettes.   The blonde was gorgeous.  I was still trying to come up with the perfect line and the right time to deliver speak to the blonde when one of the brunettes came over.

She was slightly drunk and asked me "Are you a dirty boy?" 

Unsure of what she said, I said "huh?"

She replied again "Are you a dirty boy?"

Her tone was weird - halfway between a come on and an insult.  So I had no idea whether this was the opening line for a XXX movie or a feminine empowerment movie.

I went with my desire rather than logic and said "Yes."

Wrong choice.  Boy was that the wrong choice.  She went off on me like I had tried to slip her a rufie - talking about how her boyfriend was going to kill me etc. etc.  I have blocked out most of what she actually said, but I left the bar crying.

Did not ask another woman out for months.  Worst part was I had barely noticed her, the blonde out-shown her by a mile.

THE WORST LINE DELIVERED NOW IS BETTER THAN THE BEST LINE 2 SECONDS LATER!

The best time is right when you see her.   Your best line is not worth anything except as a joke.   Don't wait, say hello.

Bad Romantic Ideas from Movies and TV

One of the problems with the media is that they often display unrealistic events for a multitude of reasons (drama, comedy, symbolism).   But sometimes people see things in movies and think it is a good idea.  Often it is not.

Here are 14 pieces of good advice based on bad movie ides.

1. Romantic gestures and surprises should be small.  Big ones are a waste of money and time.   Multiple small surprises and gestures work better.
2. Do not wait ("for the right time") to tell someone you like them, love them, or  want to marry them.  The best time is when you realize it.
3. Do not lie about being pregnant.  Smart men promise to take care of the baby but end the relationship.  Stupid men just cheat.
4. Do not withhold the fact you are pregnant.  No different from kidnapping - you are taking a man's child from him.  If he hasn't physically assaulted you, you are doing something worse than what he did.   
5. End a relationship when you start thinking about cheating on someone.   The fact you considered it means you don't care enough to stay. 
6. If you do end up cheating, immediately confess.  Maintaining the relationship under false pretenses is often worse than cheating.
7. Tell your friend(s) that you are lusting/mooning over the same person.  If you both love X, then you both need to admit it - to each other and them.
8. Any gender can do anything.   This includes asking someone out, proposing, housework, support, making dinner, making plans, initiating sex, etc.   Two only exceptions:  men can not get pregnant or lactate. 
9. Talk about sex.  Best way to get better at sex is to get some instructions.
10. People that fight are not in love.  Love is about getting along.
11. 'Players' do not stop because they fall in love.  There is a reason why they are players, and that has to be fixed before they are start a relationship.   Easier to beautify an ugly faithful person than vice versa.
12. Women are just as shallow, foolish, and likely to cheat, as men.   Men are not more immature than women.
13. Kissing (and/or sex) has nothing to do with how good a 'match' they are.   Those things take practice which means the skilled are popular, not the one.  This also means the unskilled can be taught.
14. When hearing bad news, do not get drunk.  Alcohol is an exaggerator - it makes good things better and bad things worse.  

Why men like lesbian porn

The reason is three fold.

First, their is a real question of are they really lesbians?  They are really actors paid to engage in lesbianism on camera.  Often they have previously had sex with men in other films.   They know they are being filmed and know men will watch, if not be the main market.  They are willingly participating in a sexual act exhibitionism/voyeurism between two women and the guy.    They've agreed to this strange, e-threesome, and that implies he has a chance with them.

Second of all, you are seeing two nude women.  Guys like multiple women - especially as part of you may be thinking you have a chance with them both!
 
But even ignoring that, watching two women make love avoids a major problem for some men.  When you watch another guy make love to a woman, you will be sexually excited while looking at a naked man.  If you are not bisexual yourself, this can create some dissonance.  For a second you were sexually excited while looking at a man's behind, or worse, a penis.   That can raise questions in your own mind about your sexuality.  Or if you honestly have zero homosexual tendencies, this may turn you off, ruining the experience.

How to pick a wife or husband

One of the things I hate about dating apps/websites is that every single one I have found is totally focused on short term dating.  Even the ones that claim to be marriage minded.  If they ask about your favorite music they are trying to set you up for a fun date, not marriage.

The worst fact is that we know what things make a solid marriage.   Here is the generally accepted list:

• Sexuality
• Lifestyle
• Views on money
• Views on children
• Ideals
• Willing to Work at it.

Prudes don't get along with perverts.  Straight men should not marry lesbians, etc. etc. etc.  Yes, I know, talking about sex is taboo.  But I don't care how much in love you are, someone that wants to dress in leather and do kinky sex every other day is never going to have a satisfying relationship with someone that thinks sex is for procreation and grudgingly has it once a year.  Any attempt to find a spouse should ask how often they like sex and what their specific fantasies are.   The closer they match, the more you match.

Lifestyle covers a lot.   Geography, work/home balance, traditional vs modern (i.e. housewife vs. working woman), pets (allergic to cats...)  and diet (vegetarian vs carnivore).   Like sexuality, when you are compatible in all of these, it is a lot easier to make a marriage work.

Money is another major taboo.  No one likes to talk about it because to many people it is seen as a value judgement.  But most of this issue is about views, rather than amount.  Misers have major issues with spendthrifts.  On the other hand, two spendthrifts can destroy their lives.  Two misers can live together easily, but I would suggest a spendthrift look for someone that is more moderate, or they will end up in the poorhouse.  This may cause some arguments, but it is livable.

Children are a major issue. If one person wants children and the other doesn't it can destroy a marriage.  In addition, if one person is in favor of spanking and the other objects, that can also cause problems.   Yes, in many cases one person will end up being the disciplinarian, but that is not a problem.  The problem occurs when they disagree in principle, rather than in degree.

Everyone has ideals - whether they be religious, political, or philosophical.   Many are compatible - Baptists can easily get along with Catholics, at least in modern times.  But if one person is a rabid republican and the other a rabid democrat, that can cause problems.  Similarly an atheist will not get along with a fundamentalist. Nor will a pacifist get along with a marine captain.    

Finally, both people need to be willing to work HARD at a relationship.  Modern media makes it look easy.  Worse, when you are in the full bloom of new love, it is easy - because all you can think about is the other person and doing anything for them gives you a rush of endorphins.  But once that fades you both have to make large sacrifices and make time to work for each other.  Suddenly do the same thing that practically gave you an orgasm now just feels boring.  It takes real effort and does not come easy no matter what you see on TV and the movies.  


These are the kinds of things you need to look into if you are trying to find a spouse.  Music, date ideas, education, pets, etc.  are more about hooking up than marriage.   Yes, similarities there make for a better first date, but they are very unlikely to make or break a relationship. 

Communication Tips

I am a big proponent of communication, but too often people don't know how to do it.   So I am going to discuss three types of difficult communication and give advice about how to do it.

Complaints, Compliments, and Confessions.

       I.   I don't care how perfect a relationship, your significant other will definitely do something that annoys and irritates you.   People tend to make a very simple mistake when dealing with this - they keep quiet.   When you keep quiet about irritations, two things happen:  1) They don't know about the problem so they keep doing it and 2) It builds up inside you till you unleash all hell about some minor issue that is a total surprise to them.

The best way to deal with complaints is to bring it up immediately, when it is a minor issue.   But do not harp on it.  After raising the issue once, give them about a week to fix the problem.  If they make progress, thank them and encourage them to keep working on it.  If they don't, you have a new issue to talk about - their lack of response to your complaint.   Concentrate on that, not the old issue.

       II.  The chance to compliment your significant other is a huge opportunity.  Take advantage of them, even if it embarrasses you.   The best possible compliment is the "I was wrong, you were right."  This is pure gold and can save a relationship.  So when you make a mistake and your lover was right, eat your pride and tell them they were right.   Trust me, they already know you were wrong and that they were right.  Admitting it tells them you respect them and that you value them more than your own pride.

      III.  Which brings us to embarrassing confessions.    Whether we are talking about sex, money, mistakes, body issues, family, everyone has something they are embarrassed to talk about.  Even when you are in a relationship, it can be difficult to discuss these issues.

But the truth is, they are perfect tests.  How your significant other reacts to your confession can tell you if they are trustworthy and if their values are a match for yours.   If they keep your trust, you will grow closer with them.   They should never tell anyone your confession and comfort you about how it is OK and they will help you with the issue.  If they don't, they are not the right person for you and it is far better to find out NOW rather than later.    But make it clear before you confess that this is something you consider confidential - and ask them to share something similar in return.



So, take my advice, bring up complaints early but do not harp on them.  Take every chance to compliment them - even if it embarrasses you.   And use your embarrassing confessions to improve your relationship. 

These communication tips are just a small part of learning how to talk to your partner.   Hopefully they help.

Take a break from dating is BAD ADVICE

Several times in my life, people have told me to take a break from dating.  Sometimes a different focus was added - such as 'focus on work', 'focus on writing', 'focus on dancing', or 'focus on your health'.   Usually by someone that was connected to my work, writing, dancing, or health, respectively.

This never seemed like a good idea, and the few times I tried it, it totally failed.

Note, I am a straight man, and that makes a huge difference.  Straight women get hit on all the time - they have to work at selecting the date, not getting one, so if Prince Charming comes along, they still have a chance.  If Princess Moana comes along, even she won't ask me out.   She may be the bravest of the Disney set, but that is still too much to ask. 

Oh, if I were taller, it might be different.  But tall men don't need much  advice here, they get married much earlier than the rest of us (1cm of height is equivalent to a 3% pay differential, or for us Americans, men that are 4 inches taller are considered more desirable than a man that is shorter but makes 30% more money., and similar results in france)

So, unless you are a remarkable man that finds dating very easy (for whatever reason), taking a break is not a good idea.   Instead, you get lonely.  Desperate, and lose confidence.

It's a long haul.  You have to keep hitting whatever dating method works for your until you find the right person and stick with them.

Movies vs Real Life

Movies are for the most part written by, produced by, and directed by men.   This means most protagonists are male.  The men tend to get better and more roles, made even worse with age.  But there are other, more complex issues.

In any good story, the protagonist has to go through some kind of life changing event.  They learn a lesson.  Commitment-phobe gets married, drug user gets clean, playboy becomes content with one woman, etc. etc.

This creates lots of great scenes - I am a sucker for the big romantic gesture  - the boom box above the head, the race to the airport, or quitting your job to be with the one you love.  (Of course, if you tried most of that in real life you get arrested and of course, a restraining order.  It's wish fulfillment and deus ex machina, not a realistic solution.)

But a tight script leaves little room for similar character development for other characters.  And because the men are doing the writing, producing and directing, that often means the female characters get no growth.

They never do the big romantic scenes.   Where the guy goes through a huge amount of effort and money to apologize, the women rarely even says she's sorry.  In the movie Hitch, Will Smith's character took Eva Mendez on a jet ski trip to Ellis island where he showed her a relative.  (Yes, it went bad, but that was a huge romantic gesture, even if it turned to crap.)   At the end, Eva Mendez barely said she was sorry, trying to add excuses for her bad behavior.   No guy could ever get away with that poor excuse of an apology.

Why?  Because they made Eva Mendez's character had no real growth.  Will Smith and Kevin James got growth, but Eva Mendez (and Amber Valleta) got shorted.  They were there as support for the male heroes, not as heroines themselves.

This does have a side effect that affects how women are viewed.  With no real growth, it gives the impression that women never made real mistakes. That they are 2 dimensional characters that do everything right and kill joys that stop guys from having fun.

Worse, if the writers are good writers, they actually portray the women making actual mistakes (such as Eva Mendez's character), but pretend it wasn't a significant one.   She destroyed the real romance between two people and destroyed the man she loved's career, but a 'sorry, not sorry' apology was supposed to be enough.  Will Smith even had to fix the romance, rather than Eva Mendez.   That scene on the boat should have been Eva apologizing, not Will.   If the writer is a BAD writer, they don't even admit the mistake was a mistake at all.

My favorite example of this is the woman that hides the fact that she was pregnant from her lover, often because she thinks he would be a bad father.  Even if that is true, unless the father is a member of organized crime, doing that is just wrong on so many levels.  She is depriving her own child of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, half brothers and half sisters.   'Woman up' and tell him that yes he is the father but no he can't see his kid till he gets his act together (moving to another state to enforce this, if necessary).

Some men and woman have a twisted view of woman because of how common this stereotype is.  Woman in real life are not like in the movies.  They like to have fun, they make mistakes, and yes the experience personal growth, just like men do.

Women cheat on their husbands, just like men cheat on their wives.  The get drunk, abuse drugs, commit crimes, etc. etc.  They like to have fun too -   Gambling, dancing, orgasms (though they tend to be pickier than the men because orgasms are often harder for the woman to achieve).

 

Youth gets wasted

Youth is an illusion.   It gives you the impression that life is going to continue the same forever.  After all, it has been pretty much the same since you remember.

Why not have fun while you can?  Well, honestly, if you find the right person, it will be a lot more fun.  Even finding someone that is close to the right person will be more fun.   But most importantly, you may be setting yourself up for a failure later in life.  I did.

It is only with age that you realize life changes - and somehow it seems to always get worse.  As you get older, you realize your body is slowly failing.    Eventually you come to the realization that you are that old guy you used to make fun of.  In many ways, it is worse for women.

But honestly, it's not true that it always gets worse.  In some ways it gets better.  You earn wisdom.  You meet wonderful people.  You learn amazing facts.  You discover talents and even pleasures you would not suspect existed.


My point is not that life gets bad.  But it does change.  You think you have forever but you don't.

So take my advice and plan ahead.  Don't look for fun.  You don't have the time.   You need to start looking for Mr. Right or Ms. Right as soon as possible. Because the longer you wait, the harder it gets.  The competition starts snatching up the good guys and gals.   Before you know it, you turn around and you are competing with boys and girls 10 years younger that are not as laize-faire about finding true love as you were.

Chances are you still won't find them right away.  Don't be surprised if you look for them for years.   You can enjoy your time with serious men/women.  It is NOT true that the worthy people are boring.  People worth marrying can be just as fun as the one night stand folk.

But it is quite possible to wait till all the good ones are taken.    Tall women do this all the time.  They fail to understand that tall men are at a huge premium and get snatched up in five years.  They turn around and find all the good tall men taken by the time they are 25 and start lowering their standards (but not for height...).

Men have a different problem.  We live our lives dating attractive women and suddenly the women we are attracted to start calling us dirty old men.


Don't make that mistake.  If you want to marry someone worthy of you you have to start looking EARLY.    You need to snatch them up before they meet someone almost as good as you.

More about liars

I saw an interesting talk (on hulu) given by Pamela Meyers about lieing. http://www.hulu.com/watch/289199/tedtalks-pamela-meyer-how-to-spot-a-liar

In the past I have said that people are more truthful than most people think.  I still think that is true.  Pamela includes "No, you don't look fat in that dress" as a lie.   I agree, if you include all of those white lies and similar weak things, you get a lot of liars.

I accept small lies in a relationship.  You should too.  You shouldn't complain about makeup as 'lies'.  Saying you object to liars is most often a way to hide the fact that you are angry that the lie wasn't true.  You don't really care about your date lying, you care about them not living up ridiculous standards.



Train lie spotters are about 94% accurate  Untrained is about 54%.  So here are some helpful hints on how to spot a lie.  First is what they say:

1. Formal, not informal.  I didn't have sex with that women is likely true.  I did not have sex with that woman was a lie
2. Distance from subject.  She is true, That Woman is a lie.
3. Qualifying language.  I did not send her that particular photo.  I did not go on a date with her to the movie.  Instead I sent her a different photo and went to a different movie.
4. Excess detail.   I went to the 5:40 showing of Moneyball, is a lie.  I went to a movie is the truth.
5. Everything in strict chronological order, but can't repeat it backwards means it was memorized rather than experienced.

Body language:

1. Liars freeze.   They are trying to trick you.  Truth-tellers fidget.  They don't know what is going on. 
2. Liars look you in the eye.  Truth-tellers look away. Ignore the "look one direction bullshit" found in movies)
3. Liars smile with their mouth.  Truth-tellers smile with their eyes as well as their mouth.
4. Body contradicts voice (because we don't practice body movements).  Liars shake their head side to side when they say yes and nod their head up and down when they say no.

Attitude:

1. honest people are cooperative.  They agree to speculate about who did things, agree to act out stuff.  They don't think they are a real suspect because they know they didn't do it.   Liars refuse to help, are expecting a trap.
2. Honest people get angry when they are falsely accused and stay that way throughout the interview.  Liars get angry but eventually stop being angry.  They knew they were going to be accused and expected it.

Note, most of those things do not work when talking about small lies - your weight and height.   That is, dates don't become formal, don't get distant, don't use excessive detail, etc.  If you accuse them of lying, everyone gets angry and stay angry.

But they will work on cheaters.

Of course, there is a problem worse than the lies.  It is the push you need to do to even attempt to figure out the lies. The only way to get there is to be the bastard. 

So by trying to figure out if they are cheating on them, you may treat an innocent person worse than they treated you.

How to be Great at Sex

There are thousands of books that try to teach people how to be good at sex.  Don't waste your money, they all suffer from a single flaw.  Instead, just read this blog post.   It contains all you need to know about how to be great at sex.

Those books are not worth it for a single reason - human beings are not clones.   We are all different from each other.    Not a little bit, a HUGE amount.  Some like being dominant, some like being submissive, some like things fast and rough, some like it slow and sensual.  Some like to play dress up, some like it in the dark.  People like butts, navels, breasts,  elbows, necks, lips,  and even toes.

It doesn't matter if you are the best toe sucker in the universe if your mate doesn't like having their toes sucked.  Worse there are too many different skills to learn, no one can learn everything, and more importantly, you can't just look at someone and know which skill to use. 

Trust me, you can't just assume that your next lover wants the same thing as your last, even if you happen to be particularly good at oral.   There are people that don't like receiving oral, and it is your fault for doing it without asking first.

All of this means that it is not your responsibility to get your partner off the first time. At least not until you have been with them for quite some time.  Years even.  This goes for men as well as woman.  If anyone fakes an orgasm, it's their own fault, not an insult to their partner.

Instead, the secret to being good at sex is just three simple rules:

1. Know what makes you orgasm.
2. Know how to get your partner to do what makes you orgasm.
3. Know how to get your partner to tell you what makes them orgasm.

I know, the first two rules seem selfish, but they are an essential part of being good at sex.  If you can not get yourself to orgasm, then you will never be good at sex.  If you can't get your partner to do it, you won't be good at sex.

Numbers 2 and 3 are both about communication.   It doesn't have to be verbal.  Some people can do it with non-verbal signals.  But talking works fine.  Whether it is explicit, raunchy dirty talk, or simply using "Green", "Yellow", and "Red" to indicate "YES", "Almost good", and "Don't bother".   Some people prefer an emailed 'after action report'.

If you and your partner use these three secrets, then in a very short time  your partner will think you are Great At Sex.  If you don't do this, it will takes years of patient observation (if ever), to learn how to get your partner off.  

Single again in 2019

I am single again in 2019.  I have met lots of women and had some great times with them over the past 8 years, but I am still single.

Part of it is things beyond my control.  I am now the proud possessor of four kidneys (two from the original equipment manufacturer, and two from a saint who grew up in my neighbor hood and died way too young), plus a host of other medical issues related to the procedure.   And those medical issues make employment almost impossible.   Women don't like dating a sick, unemployed man, no matter how much money he has in the bank.  Especially when he can't go dancing for another couple of months.

But part of it is my own fault as well.  Most of the women I dated over the past 8 years I dumped.  And not for good enough reasons.   Several woman I should have pursued harder, been more honest about the things I found lacking in their relationship.

I should have told one that I did not like the fact that I met her parents, but she never introduced me to hers.  

I should have been more specific about the sex I wanted.  This issue is very important, so here is a short lesson to all men and women:

Being good at sex means being good at giving yourself an orgasm.   There is no way anyone, male or female can know how to give someone else an orgasm without months of study.   If your partner does not give you an orgasm, then it is usually YOUR fault, not theirs.  Either:

a) You have not learned yourself how to give yourself an orgasm.

or
b)  You were too shy to tell them what to do.

Propriety goes out the window when you take off your clothes.  Tell your partner want you want.    Or don't get naked with them in the first place..

I should not have asked out several women that I was not physically attracted too.  While I do recommend lowering your shallow standards, moderation is best in all things.  

Conversely, there are several women I should have asked out that I did not have the courage to do, or did too late.   Delay is never a good idea.  Get her phone number the day you meet her, ask her out within a week.  For women, GIVE him your phone number if you have any interest - and if you can not make it the day he asks for then make an offer yourself.   Best way to tell him it really is a problem with timing, rather than your desires.

Dating a younger woman: Because she said Yes.

Last week I went on a date with a woman young enough to be my daughter.  She was 18 years younger than me.

First, the date didn't work out.   Maybe the gap was too large.  Maybe the age was fine, and it was our personalities.   But that's not really relevant.  The real question is why I went on the date in the first pretty.


Was because she was pretty?  No (but she was).
Was it because she was innocent/easy to manipulate?  No. (she was intelligent and insightful, not easily manipulated).

I went out with her because she said YES.

In that same week I had sent out over 30 emails, to women ranging from 53 to 29.  Only the 29 year old said yes.  I am 47, and hadn't been on a date in over a month.  So I took her for brunch.

I'm not some douche-bag trying to get laid.  I want marriage.  Nor am I ugly, per se, but I am short enough that most women do not feel  "chemistry".  Maybe it's my fault I can't get a date with a woman my age.   But I am not rude, trying to take advantage of anyone, or looking for just sex.  It's not the first time I date someone that young, and it might not be the last.

But I don't go looking for women that young.  Often I don't know their age when I ask them out.

Maybe the 29 year old was only looking for a free brunch (Gabriela's on the UWS has a great Mexican brunch, by the way.)   But she was willing to date me, and none of the other women gave me the time of day.   Frankly, I am too lonely to turn down an attractive woman that says yes.  If I go months without a date, then some young lady agrees to have brunch with me, damn right I am going to say yes.

If I do end up dating a woman young enough to be my daughter, it won't be because I went looking for her. It will simply mean I got tired of being alone, rejected by women my own age.

So when you ask yourself why those men date  younger women, part of the answer is almost always "because she said yes." 

I've Wasted My Life!

No you haven't.

Just thought I'd start out with that.

The fear that you have wasted your life is incredibly common, particularly among non-parents.  If you are a parent, you usually realize that your children are your legacy.   If you don't have children, it's harder to believe in your own legacy.

Part of the problem is we compare ourselves to others we see on the news.  We didn't start a major up and coming corporation, we didn't become President, or even Governor.  We didn't make some grand new scientific discovery.


But consider the person that wholeheartedly researches a scientific theory and proves it false.  He gets no accolades.  He was just as smart as the guy that by pure luck choose the right theory to test.  Yes - it was luck.  If he knew it was right before he tested it then someone else already did the important research and proved it right.   It just turned out that by pure chance that his theory was false - and also did not by pure puck provide evidence indicating the true theory to be investigated later.

He worked just as hard, thought just as much (and as well), but by pure luck failed to pick the right theory to investigate.

He doesn't get the credit, but his work is also just as important.  Only by doing the research and discovering that the theory did not work did mankind learn the truth.

His work saved someone else from having to investigate the false theory.  It freed other people up to investigate other theories that may turn out to be accurate.


And so many many people have hidden issues.  Yes, Einstein became an incredible scientist.  He also had a horrible family life (in part due to his popularity with the ladies- http://www.nbcnews.com/id/13804030/ns/technology_and_science-science/t/new-letters-shed-light-einsteins-love-life/ )

The far majority of people NEVER do earth shattering work.  Some may never raise a child.  That doesn't mean you wasted your life.   If you worked a job - even a "meaningless" one, you have contributed to society. 

The guy that placed the first brick is at heart just as important as the guy that placed the last one.  Similarly, the people that made the brick, tested the brick, moved the brick, tracked the brick, advertised the brick, bought the brick, or simply fed those other people ALL contributed to the brick.

I have seen very few people actually waste their life.   What we do as a group depends on many little things, and those of us that do them COUNT.

Rule about not dating people from...

Every once in a while I will run into someone that has a rule about not dating people from X.

Sometimes X = work, other times it is a major hobby - such as dance.

I disrespect these people on so many levels.

First of all, it indicates they are immature.  They can't handle a break up like an adult.   I've had bad break ups before, but never something I couldn't handle.  If you are the kind of person that treats someone like that you have far more serious issues.  Worse, if you can't tell that your date is someone like that - and stop it after one date - then your judgement is so bad you will never date right.  More importantly, Tango at least has more than enough venues that you can both dance and never see each other. 

Worse, a lot of people join their hobby in part to get a date.   Normal people want someone that shares an interest.  Do you know how many unhappy couples desperately wish their significant other shared at least one of their interests?

If I had my way, I would ONLY date people from dance. Unfortunately the community is not big enough to do that, I have to widen my search. 


Work makes a little bit more sense - it's harder to change jobs than to change hobbies.   But even so, some people put so much of their life into work, that it is a ridiculous rule.  

Most importantly, it is about priorities.   When someone says they don't date people from X, they are putting X ahead of dating - and therefore ahead of marriage (assuming they want to end up marrying someone they dated).

Why would anyone want to date you if you aren't putting the date above all other considerations?   Would you marry someone that put work ahead of you?  That put dancing ahead of you?

No.  

Put Marriage - and therefore Dating first.   Get rid of rules about not dating people from....

Friend Zone

No person likes the Friend Zone.   We dread the words "I rather be friends", or the slightly more accurate "I'd rather just be friends"

The question is why?

Friends are good things.  Honestly, I want more friends, at least real ones.  Good ones are hard to find.

The problems is actually the word "just".  

When people say they want to be friends, they are actually saying they don't want to be anything MORE than friends. 

And honestly it is very rare that they mean they actually want to be friends.   Usually the "lets' be friends" people don't want to really be friends.   They say it because they are too cowardly to say goodbye.  Worse, if it is really true that they want to be friends but not more than friends., than it usually means they like you but don't want to have sex with you.  In other words, they find you sexually unattractive.   Ugly.

That's why people don't like the friend zone.  Too often it is a lie.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

 I have had three serious relationships with women.  One of them I am still friends with.  Let's call her "A".  "A" and I worked hard at keeping the friendship alive - in part by going on a trip together after we broke up.  It took both of us willing to take chances.

It also helped that we had a lot in common besides sex.   The other two relationships (M & S) had less in common.  I'm not saying we couldn't be friends.  Just that "A" and I have far more in common (outside of the bedroom) than I had with either M or S.  Honestly M was mostly about the bedroom, which is why it didn't work out. 

Friends are good.  You can't go wrong if you look for friends first.  But you want more than just friendship for a relationship. You need a bit of sexual attractiveness, compatible desires for sex, and compatible long term goals.

You can be friends with someone that wants children if you don't want them.  But you can not marry them. 

Note however that when Long Term Relationships issues are what keep you from dating, no one talks about being just friends.   We talk about wanting different things.

My advice to people is simple.  If someone wants to just be friends, then you need to figure out if sexual attractiveness is the problem, or if the comment just be friends is a cowardly lie.  You might need to work at being more attractive.  There is nothing wrong in sprucing yourself up - either physically or mentally.

If it's a cowardly lie, well, I can't help you much there.

The Magic Words That Save a Relationship

There are magic words that save a relationship.  The basic concept is the same for both men and women, with a slightly different emphasis.  They should be said at least a couple of times a year.

No, I'm not talking about "I love you."   Nor Please.  Those need to be said more than a couple of times a year, and they don't magically save a relationship.


Instead they are versions of "You are/were right, I am wrong."

If you are a man, the best phrasing is  "Honey, you know more about this than I do, so let's do it your way."

The female version is "Dear, you were right, I'm sorry I insisted on doing it my way."


The reason is that most men tend to think the women never admit they are wrong and that most women tend to think that men don't value their opinions.   Your particular situation may vary, and you may want to vary the phrasing, but the main point is you need to be able to tell your partner that they are/were correct and that you know that.

Fantasy vs Reality

Every intelligent Fantasy Geek eventually realizes that fantasy stories, while fun to read, would be hellish to actually live through.  It's not just the danger, or the hardships, it's also all the stuff no one talks about - like eating crappy food, sleaping on hard ground, the lack of bathrooms, etc. etc.

Sci-Fi stories at least can take advantage of modern 'luxuries' that most of us really consider necessities. (When was the last time you caught your own food?)

Not so with Fantasy stories.   Read about Gollum sure?  But actually travel with him? I'd have to be crazier than, well, Gollum!

What most people don't realize is the same rule applies to all our fantasies - even the romantic ones.

The classic guy dating fantasy is two (or more - if you are particularly greedy) women.   In reality, it is far more trouble than it is worth, except of course for the bragging rights.

The classic gal dating fantasy is to marry wealth.  But wealthy husbands usually spend too much time at the office.   Most people prefer a husband that they see more often than their next door neighbor.   

They are fantasies because most of us don't actually have the experience.  Just like fantasy novels, we concentrate on the relatively rare good parts, ignoring the practical realities that make it not worth our time. 

If we don't know what we truly want, then the chance of us being happy is almost nothing.

Now there's nothing wrong with a good fantasy.  As long as your understand that's what it is.   When making your choices in real life, your goals should not be the same as in your fantasy life.  

That doesn't mean you can't try for your fantasies - but you need to solidly think about the consequences first.  That way you can make adjustments to get what you want without screwing yourself out of what you actually need.

At the very least, it may simply mean you will complain less about your wealthy spouse spendings half their time out of state and/or with the third wheel in your menage-a-trois.

But if you are like most people, it will more likely mean you accept something related to but not exactly like your fantasy. Maybe you will date/marry someone making only as much as the President does - but who works only 25 hours a week.   Or maybe you will date/marry someone that is monogamous but role plays a threesome.

Guys that don't give up.

In the movies, books, and other media, we are taught not to give up.

This is a major problem with dating.  We work too hard on doomed relationships.  Whether we are talking about the girl/guy you moon over for months or the spouse you despise and think about killing, LEAVE THEM.

Many of us need to learn to give up.   We keep wishing for things we already know won't work out.

Give up on the hopeless girl or guy that doesn't like us.  Give up on the doomed relationship (even if it's marriage, even if you have children.)

One of the reasons I haven't posted on this blog in a while is that I found a woman and am too busy dating her to blog about the problems I have had with other people.  I don't know yet if this relationship is going to work out.  But I know what the major potential problems are both of us are working very hard to solve them.

She is a wonderful, intelligent, caring, successful woman and I hope to god we can work out our issues.  Ending up with her would be a wonderful way to spend the rest of my life.

But we have set a deadline to solve the major problems in our relationship.  If we don't solve them by the end of this year, we will probably go our separate ways.

Women that insist on an insensitive guy

I hate it when a woman says she will call but doesn't actually call me back.

Some people are OK with that behavior.   I know at least one woman that actually told me she preferred it. 

Recently I had a really good time talking with a woman I found on OK Cupid.  She never gave me her phone number (well, it showed up on my phone, so I knew what it was), and she said she would call me back.

I'm a pretty assertive guy, but if she wanted to do it that way, I was fine with it.   But I did want to make clear my position about call backs.  So I ask her if she didn't want to date me, to at least leave a message saying so, not to leave me hanging.

A couple of days later she sent me an email back saying that she did not want to meet me BECAUSE I had asked her to leave the message.  It said

"After we hung up I realized that I felt strange about you telling me to let you know if I was not interested in meeting. I wanted to be honest and thought you seemed nice otherwise but it was off-putting.  
I wish you all the best but don't think we will be a good match."


In certain ways I am glad she said no.  I agree that we would not be a good match.  I am clearly way too good for her.  And I mean that in the most uncomplimentary way possible.  She is not worth my time or effort.

I have emotions and feelings and am willing to tell her about them, but she clearly doesn't want that in a guy.

I wish her luck in her life, but not her search.  Because while she will surely find a guy who will hide his emotions, I don't think she is going to actually LIKE him after she gets to know him.

On what kind of shallow is good to have

From my dating prospects, I have noticed several different kinds of shallow behavior.

Keep in mind that I am in FAVOR of being shallow.  What I am against is being shallow then complaining about the lack of good dates.

First of all note that men have a slight advantage here.   If we are too shallow, we get no dates.  So eventually, we lower our shallow standards - i.e. ask out more women, not just the hot, thin gorgeous ones.   Usually this also means we decide to not put up with bull crap.  That is, in crassest of terms, if we have to date an ugly chick, she better be nice to us.

But with women, the reverse tends to occur.  I.e.  Women get hit on, rather than hit on other people.   When they are being shallow, they don't stop going on dates - they go on BAD dates.   As a result their initial reaction is not to lower their standards but to raise them.   Which means, she starts going on less dates.

The problem is that they don't always raise the right standards.   The shallow standards are the obvious ones -height, hair, wealth, style, etc.   They are things you can easily tell before you go on a date.   So if women are going on bad dates, they figure at least he should be tall and have, money and style.  But those guys are in fact more likely to be the BAD dates - otherwise someone would have married them already (or maybe they did already marry them.). 

So some women can get into a viscous cycle gets created - bad dates = more selective about shallow things = more bad dates.

I'm going to talk about some of the really stupid things I have seen women list as 'must haves' on OK cupid.  These aren't jokes (as far as I can tell), nor are they normal shallow things such as (I'm a personal trainer/model and want someone as pretty as I am).  They go beyond the normal rules.

All of these are from REAL dating profiles.

• Can't have watched and enjoyed all three Lord of the Rings.  
• Height - must be at least 5 inches taller than her
• Music - must like the same band she liked
• NOT being creative - apparently this girl was anti-art and meant it
• "sorry no bald guys"

All of these are the equivelent of "no fat chicks", but the women don't seem to understand that is what they are doing.  Yes, men have the same issues as these women - but it slowly corrects itself as they guy realizes if he wants a date, he has to give up or at least HIDE his stupidity a bit better.

I am not bald.  I refused to write to the "sorry no bald guys" women even though I otherwise liked her.  I've dated women like her before and I don't need to do it again.  The height thing used to bother me and I used to tilt at the windmill, so to speak, but I have given up.   Oh, I still ask out taller women, but I don't ask them out if they mention they want a tall guy on their profile.  It just demonstrates shallowness and foolishness on their part.