Upgrading your Standards

As I have said before, I see nothing wrong with being shallow.  But people don't  always understand the consequences of their own choices.

Part of the problem is the idea of "The One" - a soul mate that is better for you than everyone else.

Lets assume that such a person does exist.  And lets say you are both American, for example.  Lets have you restrict your dating pool to a large metropolitan area - 30 million.  Asssuming you are not bisexual, that leaves 15 million people of the right gender.  Lets assume you have tight age range of only about 8 years or so  - 1/10th the average lifespan, so that brings it to 1.5 million people.


Most of them are obviously unsuitable, so lets have you reject out of hand 100 people and also go on a date with one person each and every day.  Assuming you can instantly recognize them and fall in love, without a single wasted day,  so it takes about 50 years to check them all.  You started at 21, that means you have about 8 years to spend with your "One".

OK, let's upgrade it a bit.   Assuming everyone is using an interned based dating system, use computers to screen reduce that 1.5 million base to about 200,000, by rejecting everyone that tells the truth about something you can't stand.   But it takes a lot more time to screen out people online than in person, as it is easier to lie on line.  Lets say you reject 40 people every day by reading their resumes, and date two people a day (one lier, one honest). That lets you examine 16,000 potential people a year.   It will still take you about 12 and a half years to reject everyone.  On average it will take 7 years of doing this to meet someone.  Keep in mind you are personally going on 14 first dates every week.  Lots of hard work.

If you are not willing to do this, then don't count on finding the one.

Worse, when you find them, they will have been happily married to their child hood sweetheart for them for 10 years.  This sweetheart is a lot like you, but annoys perhaps they simply aren't quite as tall as you, or don't have as large breasts.     But "The One" is not such a shallow ass that he/she would divorce their sweetheart and marry you because of your slight superiority.



Good marriages are not created by some insane attempt to find "The One'.  Nor are they the result of settling.
Instead of looking for the one in 30 million people within reasonable distance that is the absolute best, you need to look for the one in 30,000 that is a great catch.   They still won't be easy to find, but recognize that certain qualities are option able, not mandatory.


Good marriages are the result of people accepting minor flaws. These are things intelligent people realize are not perfect, but not worth kicking someone out of bed.  Keep your standards high by using deep standards instead of shallow ones.  Then refuse to settle.   The standard at heart should be based on two things: A)  Could they maintain an committed relationship and B) Could you maintain a committed relationship with t hem.  Anything else is garbage that just gets in the way.


One question to ask yourself is if my date was a prince of England / Supermodel, would I accept all the flaws they have?  If the answer is yes, then the flaws are shallow, things not worth considering at all.


Good marriages happen when four things occur:

1.  You are ready for a long term committed relationship.
2.  You find someone else that is ALSO ready for a long term committed relationship.
3.  You have a substantial amount of things in common but no deal-breakers.
4.  You both are attracted to each other.

That is why you need to figure out not just what the the deal breakers are but also what things you like/want but don't insist on.

One more thing.  Using the internet, it is easy to find people who are both attracted to each other (Lots of websites can do this for you - such as OKCupid.)  Similarly,assuming people tell the truth then it is easy to find someone you have substantial things in common with and avoiding deal breakers.  The problem is lies. Note, often the problem is people lying to themselves about what they want as much as it lying about what they are.  The classic lie for men is you are not picky but just want someone nice - when they really want someone attractive.  The classic lie for women is they are not picky but just want someone nice - when they really want someone tall .

The lies are also a sign of someone that is not ready for a long term committed relationship.

So the truly difficult part of all this is looking for a committed person.  That is the major advantage of expensive dating services, as well as for