I never learned my lesson

Many years ago I met a woman dancing.   Her name was Jennifer and she was just starting out, while I had been dancing for a year or two already.   I spent about a month dancing with her, enjoying myself.  I got her phone number and called her a few times.  It may have been too much, I am not sure - it's been a while.    Then suddenly she stopped dancing with me.  She never said why, she never even said she was stopping.  She just stopped accepting my offers to dance.

I stopped calling her,  as she wasn't calling me back.   For a month I kept asking her to dance every time I saw her.  I slowly began to ask her less often.  Once a week instead of every time, then once a month, and eventually I just stopped asking her to dance.  A couple years went by and I stopped even seeing her.  Perhaps we went to different places to dance, maybe she stopped dancing, I don't know.

Then about four years after I first met her,  I saw Jennifer again.  Someone mentioned that she was leaving New York, so I asked her to dance once more time.  She said:

"Yeah, it's been long enough, I guess you learned your lesson."

If this was a TV show or a movie, I would have instantly processed the situation and either rejected her or at least asked her what lesson she foolishly thought I had learned.  Instead I went with the socially acceptable answer and danced a tanda with her.  (Tandas are a set of about 3 songs, it is considered polite to dance the full set with someone.)

I had not learned anything.  I could not possibly have learned something because she never told me what I had done wrong.  I am sure in her mind I knew - or should have known.   Most woman fantasize about a telepathic man, but they don't exist.   In order for us to know what we did to piss you off, you have to tell us.

Now, I am going to be the first to say that I have stopped dancing with people without telling them why.  One woman, lets call her April, had this horrible perfume.  If I had truly enjoyed dancing with her, it might have been different, but April was only OK..  So I stopped dancing with her without explaining why.  But I never thought they were being punished or that she might "learn a lesson".   I knew she would remain forever clue-less as to why I stopped dancing with her.

I honestly don't know if I actually did anything wrong with Jennifer.  Perhaps she heard some false rumor, or misunderstood something I said.   Or maybe I really did do something wrong.  Perhaps I stepped on her toes, or my hands slipped and touched something inappropriately.   Maybe I asked her frien-emy to dance and not her.   I don't know and never will. 

I wish I had the presence of mind to have asked Jennifer why she was upset with me.   But most of all, I wish she had the brains and courage to actually TELL me the first time, instead of just ignoring me.

Look ladies, maybe us guys are clueless.  Maybe we need extreme remedial listening classes.  But you know that.  If you want a relationship with us half-deaf creatures, it becomes your responsibility to make up for our poor communication skills.  Similarly, it is not acceptable for men to use passive-aggressive "pretend agreement" just because we want to avoid a fight.   When we disagree with you, we have to actually say it ( I have seen too many men agree to things they don't believe in just because they don't want to argue - then find ways to get around it/lie to the women. - but that is another story)

And just maybe it is not us.  Maybe the reason we don't read you as well as your girlfriends do is that you don't talk to us like you talk to them.   You keep things bottled up inside and expect us to pry things loose.    You don't have the courage to say "If you step on my feet one more time I will grind my stiletto into your insole."


Because if you actually tell us what is wrong, then there is chance we might learn our lesson.   If you don't, we never will.