The Numbers Game

There is a myth that dating is just a numbers game - ask out enough people and you will get a yes.

I disagree with that myth.   It works very well for attractive people who can ask out 5 people and get one yes.  It works reasonably well for the average person, asking out 10 people to get one yes.  But if you are asking out 20 people to get one yes, that is a problem.  19 'no's in a row can hurt your self-esteem.  Would you tell an overweight woman that before she can get weight loss medication she must be told she is fat by 19 different doctors?  No.  It is cruel and unusual punishment.

Yes, you have to ask a lot of people out/get asked out a lot, but saying it's all about the numbers is bad advice.   It ignores a lot of other issues.

One thing that people asking others out (men are generally the "Askers") have to do is ask out a range of people.  You can't just ask out the people that you think you can get.  Nor can you just ask out people that are 'out of your league'.  Nor should you just ask out people that you think should be "easy yes's".    As a man, you need to ask out some of each.  

This is very different from someone being asked out (women are generally the "Askies"), that has the luxury of setting a constant standard and only dating above that standard.   Askers have to ask out a wide range of people, from the "I WANT!" to the "If I am drunk enough".

There are several reasons for this:

1. Askers have a limited number of people they can ask out.  Time, ego, courage, (and sometimes money) all get used up while frustration rises.
2. Askers don't know who would accept or reject them without making the attempt - and each crowd may be different.  So they have to make a wide range of attempts.
3. Asker's "Maybe" (as in they get the phone number but may not call) takes as much effort as a yes.
4. Askies gain ego and courage for each rejection (and possibly drinks), but their frustration also rises.
5. Askies can put themselves out and consider all those that ask them.  They don't have to 'expand' their potential pool.
6. Askie does not have to say yes/not.  They can always use a "Maybe" without losing any effort.

A guy has to ask out the overweight, homely girl sitting in the corner.  She might have more Buffy the Vampire memorabilia than he does.  OK, he might have to ignore the Twilight vampire books, but she can forgive his obsession with Leela and Amy Futurama figurine dolls.

He also has to ask out the hottie dancing with all the men.  She might be an SCA princess that teachs old English country dances.

You can exchange out my Sci-Fi references for whatever your hobby is, whether it be sports, extended game shows (whoops they prefer to be called 'reality' tv shows) , money, politics, or what have you.  The point is that you can't really judge a book by it's cover.

Which reminds me, ladies - you can't judge a book by it's cover.  

As an Askie, it is very tempting to simply take the best of the lot that asked you out any particular day.  The problem with that is chances are you did not spend more than 5 minutes with the guy.   That means you are judging based on fairly shallow characteristics.   You may have the luxury of setting a high 'shallow' standard, but it is not always a good idea.

My best advice is to stop being an Askie and do the asking.  Men are far less likely to reject you than you are to reject us, and you get what you want, rather than what wants you.

But most of you don't have the courage to be an Asker and that's OK.   I still have some advice if you have to be the Askie.

The simplest advice I can give you is to admit the problem with selecting men based on just what you know in the first 5 minutes.  That means if a guy is tall/rich/handsome, use a stricter set of rules for personality before you give out your phone number - he should be VERY interesting before you date him.   If a guy is not that tall/stylish/wealthy accept a date if he is only a little bit interesting.

Yes, you will date some less attractive people.   But you might be pleasantly surprised when you find out what they were doing instead of going to the gym.    They might be serving food to the homeless, or into extreme skiing/biking/scuba diving even if they are overweight (those are three sports where the overweight can still be very good.)