Wednesday, July 13, 2011

How many phone numbers should a single person get/give?

One of the things that shy people do is focus on one single possible date.  They pick out the best person and only concentrate on her/him.  Unless you are Gisele Bundchen /  Jude Law, this is obviously a bad idea.

Note, I am not talking about being a player and sleeping around.  If you want to do that, it's another topic entirely.   Instead I am talking about when you are between relationships, not sleeping with anyone yet.

I try to have 3-4 potential dates lined up at any one time.  In my personal experience, about 2/3 of them will not work out.  They won't call you (or call you back), they will flake out and cancel, etc. etc.   Often they thought about dating you, but found someone (or thing to do) they thought was better.  You were their "safety" pick.  It took me a while to understand this, as I don't make safety picks and rarely if ever cancel.   If I say I will call you, I generally do.  But I am an exception.   Other times real life gets in the way - they get sick, work gets busy, etc.  In either case, sometimes they are rude and don't call/call back, other times they have the courtesy to tell you on the phone.


The remaining third are not always winners.  They may show up for the date, but it turns out to be a bad date.   Recently I dated someone who, despite repeated attempts at my part to explain the difference, thought Salsa and Tango were the same thing.  At this point I realized that perhaps she was not the girl for me.

So when I am on the prowl, I try to get about 3 new phone numbers each week.  I expect one to use voice mail to ignore me, another to cancel (perhaps with a reschedule - but not always).  That leaves one person to go on an actual date.

In a successful week, I have a second date and a first date planned.   I don't stop asking additional women out until a relationship has progressed to sex.  Once that happens, I stop dating other people till I see if the relationship works out.

But sometimes a date progresses faster than you realize.   Which of course leads to the situation of what do you do if you had another date planned already/promised to call someone but you just had sex.   As a guy I like to keep the other dates.  So far, every time this has happened the other dates have not impressed me enough to give up the existing relationship and I don't ask them out again.  I call this "dating without intent".

But I am a guy who usually pays for dinner - even on second dates.  That means that when I "date without intent" ,  I am buying a women dinner "under false pretenses".  Buying a dinner is very different than accepting dinner 'under false pretense'.    I don't really know what I would do as a woman.   That might be why I get many more cancellations than I give out - but I myself would never do that.

My advice to women that are in this situation is to call up the new guy and tell him you would go on a date with him again if he let you buy him dinner.    If he refused, explain that you are getting serious with another man and don't expect him change your mind.  Worst case scenario call and cancel.  

Never leave a guy hanging  - he might be keeping date night free in case you call him back.  Yeah, this is kind of sad - but don't kick a guy that is already down.

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