Thursday, July 14, 2016

Dating a younger woman: Because she said Yes.

Last week I went on a date with a woman young enough to be my daughter.  She was 18 years younger than me.

First, the date didn't work out.   Maybe the gap was too large.  Maybe the age was fine, and it was our personalities.   But that's not really relevant.  The real question is why I went on the date in the first pretty.

Was because she was pretty?  No (but she was).
Was it because she was innocent/easy to manipulate?  No. (she was intelligent and insightful, not easily manipulated).

I went out with her because she said YES.

In that same week I had sent out over 30 emails, to women ranging from 53 to 29.  Only the 29 year old said yes.  I am 47, and hadn't been on a date in over a month.  So I took her for brunch.

I'm not some douche-bag trying to get laid.  I want marriage.  Nor am I ugly, per se, but I am short enough that most women do not feel  "chemistry".  Maybe it's my fault I can't get a date with a woman my age.   But I am not rude, trying to take advantage of anyone, or looking for just sex.  It's not the first time I date someone that young, and it might not be the last.

But I don't go looking for women that young.  Often I don't know their age when I ask them out.

Maybe the 29 year old was only looking for a free brunch (Gabriela's on the UWS has a great Mexican brunch, by the way.)   But she was willing to date me, and none of the other women gave me the time of day.   Frankly, I am too lonely to turn down an attractive woman that says yes.  If I go months without a date, then some young lady agrees to have brunch with me, damn right I am going to say yes.

If I do end up dating a woman young enough to be my daughter, it won't be because I went looking for her. It will simply mean I got tired of being alone, rejected by women my own age.

So when you ask yourself why those men date  younger women, part of the answer is almost always "because she said yes." 

Friday, June 24, 2016

I've Wasted My Life!

No you haven't.

Just thought I'd start out with that.

The fear that you have wasted your life is incredibly common, particularly among non-parents.  If you are a parent, you usually realize that your children are your legacy.   If you don't have children, it's harder to believe in your own legacy.

Part of the problem is we compare ourselves to others we see on the news.  We didn't start a major up and coming corporation, we didn't become President, or even Governor.  We didn't make some grand new scientific discovery.

But consider the person that wholeheartedly researches a scientific theory and proves it false.  He gets no accolades.  He was just as smart as the guy that by pure luck choose the right theory to test.  Yes - it was luck.  If he knew it was right before he tested it then someone else already did the important research and proved it right.   It just turned out that by pure chance that his theory was false - and also did not by pure puck provide evidence indicating the true theory to be investigated later.

He worked just as hard, thought just as much (and as well), but by pure luck failed to pick the right theory to investigate.

He doesn't get the credit, but his work is also just as important.  Only by doing the research and discovering that the theory did not work did mankind learn the truth.

His work saved someone else from having to investigate the false theory.  It freed other people up to investigate other theories that may turn out to be accurate.

And so many many people have hidden issues.  Yes, Einstein became an incredible scientist.  He also had a horrible family life (in part due to his popularity with the ladies- )

The far majority of people NEVER do earth shattering work.  Some may never raise a child.  That doesn't mean you wasted your life.   If you worked a job - even a "meaningless" one, you have contributed to society. 

The guy that placed the first brick is at heart just as important as the guy that placed the last one.  Similarly, the people that made the brick, tested the brick, moved the brick, tracked the brick, advertised the brick, bought the brick, or simply fed those other people ALL contributed to the brick.

I have seen very few people actually waste their life.   What we do as a group depends on many little things, and those of us that do them COUNT.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Rule about not dating people from...

Every once in a while I will run into someone that has a rule about not dating people from X.

Sometimes X = work, other times it is a major hobby - such as dance.

I disrespect these people on so many levels.

First of all, it indicates they are immature.  They can't handle a break up like an adult.   I've had bad break ups before, but never something I couldn't handle.  If you are the kind of person that treats someone like that you have far more serious issues.  Worse, if you can't tell that your date is someone like that - and stop it after one date - then your judgement is so bad you will never date right.  More importantly, Tango at least has more than enough venues that you can both dance and never see each other. 

Worse, a lot of people join their hobby in part to get a date.   Normal people want someone that shares an interest.  Do you know how many unhappy couples desperately wish their significant other shared at least one of their interests?

If I had my way, I would ONLY date people from dance. Unfortunately the community is not big enough to do that, I have to widen my search. 

Work makes a little bit more sense - it's harder to change jobs than to change hobbies.   But even so, some people put so much of their life into work, that it is a ridiculous rule.  

Most importantly, it is about priorities.   When someone says they don't date people from X, they are putting X ahead of dating - and therefore ahead of marriage (assuming they want to end up marrying someone they dated).

Why would anyone want to date you if you aren't putting the date above all other considerations?   Would you marry someone that put work ahead of you?  That put dancing ahead of you?


Put Marriage - and therefore Dating first.   Get rid of rules about not dating people from....

Monday, June 3, 2013

Friend Zone

No person likes the Friend Zone.   We dread the words "I rather be friends", or the slightly more accurate "I'd rather just be friends"

The question is why?

Friends are good things.  Honestly, I want more friends, at least real ones.  Good ones are hard to find.

The problems is actually the word "just".  

When people say they want to be friends, they are actually saying they don't want to be anything MORE than friends. 

And honestly it is very rare that they mean they actually want to be friends.   Usually the "lets' be friends" people don't want to really be friends.   They say it because they are too cowardly to say goodbye.  Worse, if it is really true that they want to be friends but not more than friends., than it usually means they like you but don't want to have sex with you.  In other words, they find you sexually unattractive.   Ugly.

That's why people don't like the friend zone.  Too often it is a lie.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

 I have had three serious relationships with women.  One of them I am still friends with.  Let's call her "A".  "A" and I worked hard at keeping the friendship alive - in part by going on a trip together after we broke up.  It took both of us willing to take chances.

It also helped that we had a lot in common besides sex.   The other two relationships (M & S) had less in common.  I'm not saying we couldn't be friends.  Just that "A" and I have far more in common (outside of the bedroom) than I had with either M or S.  Honestly M was mostly about the bedroom, which is why it didn't work out. 

Friends are good.  You can't go wrong if you look for friends first.  But you want more than just friendship for a relationship. You need a bit of sexual attractiveness, compatible desires for sex, and compatible long term goals.

You can be friends with someone that wants children if you don't want them.  But you can not marry them. 

Note however that when Long Term Relationships issues are what keep you from dating, no one talks about being just friends.   We talk about wanting different things.

My advice to people is simple.  If someone wants to just be friends, then you need to figure out if sexual attractiveness is the problem, or if the comment just be friends is a cowardly lie.  You might need to work at being more attractive.  There is nothing wrong in sprucing yourself up - either physically or mentally.

If it's a cowardly lie, well, I can't help you much there.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Magic Words That Save a Relationship

There are magic words that save a relationship.  The basic concept is the same for both men and women, with a slightly different emphasis.  They should be said at least a couple of times a year.

No, I'm not talking about "I love you."   Nor Please.  Those need to be said more than a couple of times a year, and they don't magically save a relationship.

Instead they are versions of "You are/were right, I am wrong."

If you are a man, the best phrasing is  "Honey, you know more about this than I do, so let's do it your way."

The female version is "Dear, you were right, I'm sorry I insisted on doing it my way."

The reason is that most men tend to think the women never admit they are wrong and that most women tend to think that men don't value their opinions.   Your particular situation may vary, and you may want to vary the phrasing, but the main point is you need to be able to tell your partner that they are/were correct and that you know that.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fantasy vs Reality

Every intelligent Fantasy Geek eventually realizes that fantasy stories, while fun to read, would be hellish to actually live through.  It's not just the danger, or the hardships, it's also all the stuff no one talks about - like eating crappy food, sleaping on hard ground, the lack of bathrooms, etc. etc.

Sci-Fi stories at least can take advantage of modern 'luxuries' that most of us really consider necessities. (When was the last time you caught your own food?)

Not so with Fantasy stories.   Read about Gollum sure?  But actually travel with him? I'd have to be crazier than, well, Gollum!

What most people don't realize is the same rule applies to all our fantasies - even the romantic ones.

The classic guy dating fantasy is two (or more - if you are particularly greedy) women.   In reality, it is far more trouble than it is worth, except of course for the bragging rights.

The classic gal dating fantasy is to marry wealth.  But wealthy husbands usually spend too much time at the office.   Most people prefer a husband that they see more often than their next door neighbor.   

They are fantasies because most of us don't actually have the experience.  Just like fantasy novels, we concentrate on the relatively rare good parts, ignoring the practical realities that make it not worth our time. 

If we don't know what we truly want, then the chance of us being happy is almost nothing.

Now there's nothing wrong with a good fantasy.  As long as your understand that's what it is.   When making your choices in real life, your goals should not be the same as in your fantasy life.  

That doesn't mean you can't try for your fantasies - but you need to solidly think about the consequences first.  That way you can make adjustments to get what you want without screwing yourself out of what you actually need.

At the very least, it may simply mean you will complain less about your wealthy spouse spendings half their time out of state and/or with the third wheel in your menage-a-trois.

But if you are like most people, it will more likely mean you accept something related to but not exactly like your fantasy. Maybe you will date/marry someone making only as much as the President does - but who works only 25 hours a week.   Or maybe you will date/marry someone that is monogamous but role plays a threesome.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Guys that don't give up.

In the movies, books, and other media, we are taught not to give up.

This is a major problem with dating.  We work too hard on doomed relationships.  Whether we are talking about the girl/guy you moon over for months or the spouse you despise and think about killing, LEAVE THEM.

Many of us need to learn to give up.   We keep wishing for things we already know won't work out.

Give up on the hopeless girl or guy that doesn't like us.  Give up on the doomed relationship (even if it's marriage, even if you have children.)

One of the reasons I haven't posted on this blog in a while is that I found a woman and am too busy dating her to blog about the problems I have had with other people.  I don't know yet if this relationship is going to work out.  But I know what the major potential problems are both of us are working very hard to solve them.

She is a wonderful, intelligent, caring, successful woman and I hope to god we can work out our issues.  Ending up with her would be a wonderful way to spend the rest of my life.

But we have set a deadline to solve the major problems in our relationship.  If we don't solve them by the end of this year, we will probably go our separate ways.