How to pick a wife or husband

One of the things I hate about dating apps/websites is that every single one I have found is totally focused on short term dating.  Even the ones that claim to be marriage minded.  If they ask about your favorite music they are trying to set you up for a fun date, not marriage.

The worst fact is that we know what things make a solid marriage.   Here is the generally accepted list:

• Sexuality
• Lifestyle
• Views on money
• Views on children
• Ideals
• Willing to Work at it.

Prudes don't get along with perverts.  Straight men should not marry lesbians, etc. etc. etc.  Yes, I know, talking about sex is taboo.  But I don't care how much in love you are, someone that wants to dress in leather and do kinky sex every other day is never going to have a satisfying relationship with someone that thinks sex is for procreation and grudgingly has it once a year.  Any attempt to find a spouse should ask how often they like sex and what their specific fantasies are.   The closer they match, the more you match.

Lifestyle covers a lot.   Geography, work/home balance, traditional vs modern (i.e. housewife vs. working woman), pets (allergic to cats...)  and diet (vegetarian vs carnivore).   Like sexuality, when you are compatible in all of these, it is a lot easier to make a marriage work.

Money is another major taboo.  No one likes to talk about it because to many people it is seen as a value judgement.  But most of this issue is about views, rather than amount.  Misers have major issues with spendthrifts.  On the other hand, two spendthrifts can destroy their lives.  Two misers can live together easily, but I would suggest a spendthrift look for someone that is more moderate, or they will end up in the poorhouse.  This may cause some arguments, but it is livable.

Children are a major issue. If one person wants children and the other doesn't it can destroy a marriage.  In addition, if one person is in favor of spanking and the other objects, that can also cause problems.   Yes, in many cases one person will end up being the disciplinarian, but that is not a problem.  The problem occurs when they disagree in principle, rather than in degree.

Everyone has ideals - whether they be religious, political, or philosophical.   Many are compatible - Baptists can easily get along with Catholics, at least in modern times.  But if one person is a rabid republican and the other a rabid democrat, that can cause problems.  Similarly an atheist will not get along with a fundamentalist. Nor will a pacifist get along with a marine captain.    

Finally, both people need to be willing to work HARD at a relationship.  Modern media makes it look easy.  Worse, when you are in the full bloom of new love, it is easy - because all you can think about is the other person and doing anything for them gives you a rush of endorphins.  But once that fades you both have to make large sacrifices and make time to work for each other.  Suddenly do the same thing that practically gave you an orgasm now just feels boring.  It takes real effort and does not come easy no matter what you see on TV and the movies.  


These are the kinds of things you need to look into if you are trying to find a spouse.  Music, date ideas, education, pets, etc.  are more about hooking up than marriage.   Yes, similarities there make for a better first date, but they are very unlikely to make or break a relationship. 

Communication Tips

I am a big proponent of communication, but too often people don't know how to do it.   So I am going to discuss three types of difficult communication and give advice about how to do it.

Complaints, Compliments, and Confessions.

       I.   I don't care how perfect a relationship, your significant other will definitely do something that annoys and irritates you.   People tend to make a very simple mistake when dealing with this - they keep quiet.   When you keep quiet about irritations, two things happen:  1) They don't know about the problem so they keep doing it and 2) It builds up inside you till you unleash all hell about some minor issue that is a total surprise to them.

The best way to deal with complaints is to bring it up immediately, when it is a minor issue.   But do not harp on it.  After raising the issue once, give them about a week to fix the problem.  If they make progress, thank them and encourage them to keep working on it.  If they don't, you have a new issue to talk about - their lack of response to your complaint.   Concentrate on that, not the old issue.

       II.  The chance to compliment your significant other is a huge opportunity.  Take advantage of them, even if it embarrasses you.   The best possible compliment is the "I was wrong, you were right."  This is pure gold and can save a relationship.  So when you make a mistake and your lover was right, eat your pride and tell them they were right.   Trust me, they already know you were wrong and that they were right.  Admitting it tells them you respect them and that you value them more than your own pride.

      III.  Which brings us to embarrassing confessions.    Whether we are talking about sex, money, mistakes, body issues, family, everyone has something they are embarrassed to talk about.  Even when you are in a relationship, it can be difficult to discuss these issues.

But the truth is, they are perfect tests.  How your significant other reacts to your confession can tell you if they are trustworthy and if their values are a match for yours.   If they keep your trust, you will grow closer with them.   They should never tell anyone your confession and comfort you about how it is OK and they will help you with the issue.  If they don't, they are not the right person for you and it is far better to find out NOW rather than later.    But make it clear before you confess that this is something you consider confidential - and ask them to share something similar in return.



So, take my advice, bring up complaints early but do not harp on them.  Take every chance to compliment them - even if it embarrasses you.   And use your embarrassing confessions to improve your relationship. 

These communication tips are just a small part of learning how to talk to your partner.   Hopefully they help.

Take a break from dating is BAD ADVICE

Several times in my life, people have told me to take a break from dating.  Sometimes a different focus was added - such as 'focus on work', 'focus on writing', 'focus on dancing', or 'focus on your health'.   Usually by someone that was connected to my work, writing, dancing, or health, respectively.

This never seemed like a good idea, and the few times I tried it, it totally failed.

Note, I am a straight man, and that makes a huge difference.  Straight women get hit on all the time - they have to work at selecting the date, not getting one, so if Prince Charming comes along, they still have a chance.  If Princess Moana comes along, even she won't ask me out.   She may be the bravest of the Disney set, but that is still too much to ask. 

Oh, if I were taller, it might be different.  But tall men don't need much  advice here, they get married much earlier than the rest of us (1cm of height is equivalent to a 3% pay differential, or for us Americans, men that are 4 inches taller are considered more desirable than a man that is shorter but makes 30% more money., and similar results in france)

So, unless you are a remarkable man that finds dating very easy (for whatever reason), taking a break is not a good idea.   Instead, you get lonely.  Desperate, and lose confidence.

It's a long haul.  You have to keep hitting whatever dating method works for your until you find the right person and stick with them.

Movies vs Real Life

Movies are for the most part written by, produced by, and directed by men.   This means most protagonists are male.  The men tend to get better and more roles, made even worse with age.  But there are other, more complex issues.

In any good story, the protagonist has to go through some kind of life changing event.  They learn a lesson.  Commitment-phobe gets married, drug user gets clean, playboy becomes content with one woman, etc. etc.

This creates lots of great scenes - I am a sucker for the big romantic gesture  - the boom box above the head, the race to the airport, or quitting your job to be with the one you love.  (Of course, if you tried most of that in real life you get arrested and of course, a restraining order.  It's wish fulfillment and deus ex machina, not a realistic solution.)

But a tight script leaves little room for similar character development for other characters.  And because the men are doing the writing, producing and directing, that often means the female characters get no growth.

They never do the big romantic scenes.   Where the guy goes through a huge amount of effort and money to apologize, the women rarely even says she's sorry.  In the movie Hitch, Will Smith's character took Eva Mendez on a jet ski trip to Ellis island where he showed her a relative.  (Yes, it went bad, but that was a huge romantic gesture, even if it turned to crap.)   At the end, Eva Mendez barely said she was sorry, trying to add excuses for her bad behavior.   No guy could ever get away with that poor excuse of an apology.

Why?  Because they made Eva Mendez's character had no real growth.  Will Smith and Kevin James got growth, but Eva Mendez (and Amber Valleta) got shorted.  They were there as support for the male heroes, not as heroines themselves.

This does have a side effect that affects how women are viewed.  With no real growth, it gives the impression that women never made real mistakes. That they are 2 dimensional characters that do everything right and kill joys that stop guys from having fun.

Worse, if the writers are good writers, they actually portray the women making actual mistakes (such as Eva Mendez's character), but pretend it wasn't a significant one.   She destroyed the real romance between two people and destroyed the man she loved's career, but a 'sorry, not sorry' apology was supposed to be enough.  Will Smith even had to fix the romance, rather than Eva Mendez.   That scene on the boat should have been Eva apologizing, not Will.   If the writer is a BAD writer, they don't even admit the mistake was a mistake at all.

My favorite example of this is the woman that hides the fact that she was pregnant from her lover, often because she thinks he would be a bad father.  Even if that is true, unless the father is a member of organized crime, doing that is just wrong on so many levels.  She is depriving her own child of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, half brothers and half sisters.   'Woman up' and tell him that yes he is the father but no he can't see his kid till he gets his act together (moving to another state to enforce this, if necessary).

Some men and woman have a twisted view of woman because of how common this stereotype is.  Woman in real life are not like in the movies.  They like to have fun, they make mistakes, and yes the experience personal growth, just like men do.

Women cheat on their husbands, just like men cheat on their wives.  The get drunk, abuse drugs, commit crimes, etc. etc.  They like to have fun too -   Gambling, dancing, orgasms (though they tend to be pickier than the men because orgasms are often harder for the woman to achieve).