Tuesday, January 31, 2012

What you like vs. What you dislike

In general, most people are far more shallow about their "Pros" lists than about "Cons".

That is, in a "Pro" list they put down things like "Must be 6'+ tall" or "Must have big breasts".

But for their "Con" lists, they put down things like "No drug addicts", or "No unemployed".

This is a mental trick actually.   In both cases, you are thinking of extremes.   When you think Pro, you think of the best, so you put down a description of something that is actually a bit better than you really truly need.  When you think Con, you think worst and you put down something worse than what you really accept. .

For example, when talking about employment, a Pro list might include "CEO", while a Con list might be unemployed.   Honestly, if someone was second in command to the CEO, you probably would take that and similarly, if someone was working at McDonalds, you probably would not accept them.

This is one of the major reasons I much prefer the Con list to the Pro list.   If you truly want to be less shallow, stop thinking about what you want and think about the things you can't accept.

Your list will be morally superior, and honestly you will meet more people and BETTER people. While being shallow is OK, being deep has advantages.

Another good reason to use the Con list then the pro list technique is that you are less likely to be in a situation where you fall for a total douche.   When you use the pro list, you go out with people because of things, then slowly find out their problems and eventually decide not to date them.

When you use the con list, you go out with people because they aren't a douche, then slowly find out if you really like them.  Trust me, it's a lot easier to stop dating someone because you don't lust after them than it is to stop dating someone that you lust after, but is cheating on you.

Now, this is just a guideline, there are exceptions.  It is possible to be shallow on the "con" list too.  Some will say "No short men" or "No woman that ever so much as wanted children - even if they don't want them now".  

But moving to a mostly "con" list is better than sticking to a long "pro" list.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Attracting everyone vs. attracting the right one.

Every once in a while someone give the stereotypical dating advice of 'just be myself'.  Then someone goes and gives me the directly contradicting advice of don't do X, when X is a core part of my personality.  They are trying to convince me not to scare off 'normal' women.

Women have less of an issue with this, but they still get it.  Usually in a slightly different version.  Instead of being told to 'fit in', they are told to hide their light. They are told not to be smarter then men, not to make more money, not to be better at anything than a man is.  Screw that.  Women, listen up - any guy that is intimidated by your brains, cash, or prowess at anything - sports, drinking, gambling, praying, monopoly, etc. isn't worth your time.  Stop settling for some loser with an tiny ego and look for someone better.  (Note, their is a myth of men having a small ego.  Not true, but I'll get into more of that later.  Yes, some men have small egos, so do some women.  But the average is about the same.)

The same goes for men.   You can't worry about what the average/generic woman wants.  You need to worry about what the woman you want wants.

I am not the average guy, I will not appeal to the average, generic women.  I'm short, smart, funny, geeky, quirky, nice, and assertive.   The average woman does NOT want a short man, geeky , nice or quirky guy.  Assertive is a positive trait to most women, but not when you combine it with short - and nice makes it harder to see how assertive I am.   (Women that want an assertive man usually want a tall one.  Women that want a short guy often don't want an assertive guy.)  Smart tends to be a positive - but only with women of above average intelligence.   Oh, they usually like funny guy, but that's not my most prominent quality.

More importantly, when I 'be myself", I get compared to other men.  The nice hides the assertive and other men are funnier, so that leaves a smart, geeky, quirky short guy. 

So, what do I do?  I try to find a woman that wants a smart, geeky, quirky, short guy.  Eventually she will realize I am assertive, funny and nice.  Hopefully she will like those qualities in me.

But that means I have to let my true self shine through and accept the fact that it WILL turn off and repel the average women.  Because I'm not looking for the average woman.  I want someone special.

I need a smart, slightly geeky, quirky, nice women, probably a bit on the modest/deferential side.   Or maybe simply someone as assertive as I am that needs a guy capable of standing up to her.  In either case, when I find her, I will hold on with all my heart.