Dating a younger woman: Because she said Yes.

Last week I went on a date with a woman young enough to be my daughter.  She was 18 years younger than me.

First, the date didn't work out.   Maybe the gap was too large.  Maybe the age was fine, and it was our personalities.   But that's not really relevant.  The real question is why I went on the date in the first pretty.


Was because she was pretty?  No (but she was).
Was it because she was innocent/easy to manipulate?  No. (she was intelligent and insightful, not easily manipulated).

I went out with her because she said YES.

In that same week I had sent out over 30 emails, to women ranging from 53 to 29.  Only the 29 year old said yes.  I am 47, and hadn't been on a date in over a month.  So I took her for brunch.

I'm not some douche-bag trying to get laid.  I want marriage.  Nor am I ugly, per se, but I am short enough that most women do not feel  "chemistry".  Maybe it's my fault I can't get a date with a woman my age.   But I am not rude, trying to take advantage of anyone, or looking for just sex.  It's not the first time I date someone that young, and it might not be the last.

But I don't go looking for women that young.  Often I don't know their age when I ask them out.

Maybe the 29 year old was only looking for a free brunch (Gabriela's on the UWS has a great Mexican brunch, by the way.)   But she was willing to date me, and none of the other women gave me the time of day.   Frankly, I am too lonely to turn down an attractive woman that says yes.  If I go months without a date, then some young lady agrees to have brunch with me, damn right I am going to say yes.

If I do end up dating a woman young enough to be my daughter, it won't be because I went looking for her. It will simply mean I got tired of being alone, rejected by women my own age.

So when you ask yourself why those men date  younger women, part of the answer is almost always "because she said yes." 

I've Wasted My Life!

No you haven't.

Just thought I'd start out with that.

The fear that you have wasted your life is incredibly common, particularly among non-parents.  If you are a parent, you usually realize that your children are your legacy.   If you don't have children, it's harder to believe in your own legacy.

Part of the problem is we compare ourselves to others we see on the news.  We didn't start a major up and coming corporation, we didn't become President, or even Governor.  We didn't make some grand new scientific discovery.


But consider the person that wholeheartedly researches a scientific theory and proves it false.  He gets no accolades.  He was just as smart as the guy that by pure luck choose the right theory to test.  Yes - it was luck.  If he knew it was right before he tested it then someone else already did the important research and proved it right.   It just turned out that by pure chance that his theory was false - and also did not by pure puck provide evidence indicating the true theory to be investigated later.

He worked just as hard, thought just as much (and as well), but by pure luck failed to pick the right theory to investigate.

He doesn't get the credit, but his work is also just as important.  Only by doing the research and discovering that the theory did not work did mankind learn the truth.

His work saved someone else from having to investigate the false theory.  It freed other people up to investigate other theories that may turn out to be accurate.


And so many many people have hidden issues.  Yes, Einstein became an incredible scientist.  He also had a horrible family life (in part due to his popularity with the ladies- http://www.nbcnews.com/id/13804030/ns/technology_and_science-science/t/new-letters-shed-light-einsteins-love-life/ )

The far majority of people NEVER do earth shattering work.  Some may never raise a child.  That doesn't mean you wasted your life.   If you worked a job - even a "meaningless" one, you have contributed to society. 

The guy that placed the first brick is at heart just as important as the guy that placed the last one.  Similarly, the people that made the brick, tested the brick, moved the brick, tracked the brick, advertised the brick, bought the brick, or simply fed those other people ALL contributed to the brick.

I have seen very few people actually waste their life.   What we do as a group depends on many little things, and those of us that do them COUNT.

Rule about not dating people from...

Every once in a while I will run into someone that has a rule about not dating people from X.

Sometimes X = work, other times it is a major hobby - such as dance.

I disrespect these people on so many levels.

First of all, it indicates they are immature.  They can't handle a break up like an adult.   I've had bad break ups before, but never something I couldn't handle.  If you are the kind of person that treats someone like that you have far more serious issues.  Worse, if you can't tell that your date is someone like that - and stop it after one date - then your judgement is so bad you will never date right.  More importantly, Tango at least has more than enough venues that you can both dance and never see each other. 

Worse, a lot of people join their hobby in part to get a date.   Normal people want someone that shares an interest.  Do you know how many unhappy couples desperately wish their significant other shared at least one of their interests?

If I had my way, I would ONLY date people from dance. Unfortunately the community is not big enough to do that, I have to widen my search. 


Work makes a little bit more sense - it's harder to change jobs than to change hobbies.   But even so, some people put so much of their life into work, that it is a ridiculous rule.  

Most importantly, it is about priorities.   When someone says they don't date people from X, they are putting X ahead of dating - and therefore ahead of marriage (assuming they want to end up marrying someone they dated).

Why would anyone want to date you if you aren't putting the date above all other considerations?   Would you marry someone that put work ahead of you?  That put dancing ahead of you?

No.  

Put Marriage - and therefore Dating first.   Get rid of rules about not dating people from....