Daddy Issues

When a women engages in sexual activities that others object to, she is very likely to be labeled as having "daddy issues".  It is a very common slang applied to everyone from loose women to prostitutes.  The idea comes from Freud, a doctor who, while still praised for introducing science to what was the art of psychology, has had almost all of his theories thoroughly discredited. 

I am firmly against the idea of "Daddy Issues".   I feel the entire concept is insulting to women.   Women make up their own mind, they are not slaves to their childhood.  They are responsible for their own choices when it comes to sex, not a bad up-bringing.


There is no reliable scientific evidence showing that an absent or bad father creates a sexual daughter.   More importantly, most young ladies (and grown women) are closer to their mother and are far more likely to discuss sex or seek advice from their mother than their father.  Yes, fathers are important - to both sons and daughters.  Yes, a good father can make a difference.  He can help keep her off drugs, out of crime, and raise her self-esteem.   But a daughter (or son) with daddy issues is no more likely to be more sexual than someone else.  If anything, someone with low self-esteem is likely to be shy and retiring, not overtly sexual.   Moreover, poor self-esteem is NOT the reason why women turn to sex.   Strippers usually have a very highly developed self esteem.  They are if anything, arrogant (or so I have heard, my experience here is rather limited).  Some use their money to support a kid, others to support an education, and others to support a high end lifestyle.

Sex is usually fairly easy for women, particularly thin women.  Think about how many men would sell sex to women for money if they knew they could make money doing it.   I know male  doctors that would quit their job and turn "Pro".   Not to mention certain politicians I know that would do it in a second.

The question is not why some women sell sex but why so many don't.  Most women are respectable (thank you, from those of us looking for a wife, not just a good time). The money and attention can be remarkably high for a tiny amount of effort.   The reasons not to are rather limited:  1. age limits on effectiveness, 2. the effect on serious relationship, 3.  bad reputation.

This means that women that are (at least by societies standards) overly sexual do so not because of 'daddy issues' but instead because:

1. They have a "Live in the Moment" philosophy
2. They enjoy being single and don't want a relationship
3. They don't care what others think of them.

This matches what I know of strippers, kids on "Girls Gone Wild", and other such people.    These are not what Freud or common wisdom considers "Daddy Issues".   They do not have low self-esteem, they simply are not planing on being a respectable, traditional mother.  At least not 'now'.

To my mind, we need to stop using pop psychology to label and ignore sexuality.  There is no such thing as "Daddy Issues".

Why I still dance

There are a lot of good reasons to dance.  Dance is good exercise, social and beautiful. But I have been dancing tango for well over a decade, and those are not the reasons why I keep coming back for more.

When you are single, every once in a while you become discouraged.   You worry you will never meet the right women/man.  That you are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, young enough, or whatever other insecurity that lives in your soul.     Worse, sometimes you will see beautiful people that you know would never date you - even if they wanted to dance with you. Sometimes that alone is enough to discourage you.  Luckily that doesn't happen all the time.  This post is about a much nicer experience on the dance floor.

There are three ways I generally lead a tango.  I can dance for the audience, making every step look elegant, but sometimes feeling awkward.  I can dance for myself and my partner - perhaps being less visually striking, but feeling fantastic.  Or I can dance for romance.  This is not an attempt to win romance, but instead to feel it.  Note, it helps that I am a pretty good dancer, but this worked even when I was a novice.  On my very first tango lesson, Paul Pellicoro inspired a tiny version of this feeling, which got me hooked on tango. He did it without even touching me - using just the sight of his feet, the meaning of his words and the sound of tango in the background.

When I dance for romance, for the length of that song, there is a woman that loves me.  She loves me as much as any woman has ever loved a man.  Her every step, every movement she does to please me, knowing that my every step, every movement I do to please her.   We are not just the focus of each others attention, but the entirety of it.   Our every thought is of each other, our hearts beat as one, we feel each others breath, and we support each other.

For the length of that song, I know I am worthy of any woman.  While the music plays, I know I can win someone's love, I just have to find her.   Even after the song has ended, I know that if I can feel that way once, I can feel it again - and be worthy of her when I find her.

And that is why I dance.

Cracked.com article

Cracked.com is one of my favorite web sites.  Some of the stuff they do is hilarious.  In particular, I love their lists.  http://www.cracked.com/article_19230_the-5-least-romantic-keys-to-happy-relationship.html  is a great example.

The best part is, the lists tend to be true.   If you want the funny stuff, click above, here I am going to go over their list items and talk about them as serious relationship advice.

5.  Spend some time apart.  In our culture (i.e. TV, movies, etc.) couples spend all their time together and you see spouses doing something their wife/husband wants even though they hate it.   Don't DO that.  You don't have to do everything together, if you don't enjoy something, don't do it.  While it works fine for the short term, over the long term you begin to resent the other person for making you do crap you hate.

4.  It's not a bad idea to Sleep in separate beds.   You can still have sex together, you don't have to sleep together.   Not everyone can sleep together.  If one of you is restless/cover hog, or simply has a different sleep schedule, trying to sleep together may make you cranky all day.  Not worth it, just to conform to a cultural stereotype.

3. Here, the Cracked said to marry an ugly/stupid man.  I am going to disagree a bit here - and expand it.  I think the studies they were looking at were biased.  They think men want the same thing from a woman as women want from a men, instead of equivalent things, so they failed to look at the things women want.

 I read the study as showing that 'perfect' spouses are not worth it - they are more likely to cheat, among other things.  So you need to select the issues you want to have.   If you try to get someone that on paper looks 100 times better than you (i.e. perfect), that means that either a) they have massive hidden flaws, or b) they are just using you till someone that is better comes along.

3. Cracked said "lie to yourself about how good your spouse is".   Again, I interpret this differently. Instead I think it means that you find someone that has qualities YOU personally value more than the rest of the world (or don't dislike as badly as the rest of the world).  If you are a guy that doesn't mind a couple of extra pounds, I assure you it will be a lot easier to find a woman with a couple of extra pounds than it will be to date someone without those pounds.  Similarly, if you are a girl that doesn't care about height either way, don't even bother looking at tall men, you will get much better quality looking at the many short men that get discarded.

1.  Schedule Sex.  Here I agree entirely.  Things I don't put on my schedule don't get done.  Spontaneous is nice, but only if it is on TOP of the schedule.   Too many times do I notice people getting upset that something isn't 'perfect', which prevents them from having something at all.   Would you not eat at all because the meal you got was wrong?  If it isn't perfect, you can try again TOMORROW.

Upgrading your Standards

As I have said before, I see nothing wrong with being shallow.  But people don't  always understand the consequences of their own choices.

Part of the problem is the idea of "The One" - a soul mate that is better for you than everyone else.

Lets assume that such a person does exist.  And lets say you are both American, for example.  Lets have you restrict your dating pool to a large metropolitan area - 30 million.  Asssuming you are not bisexual, that leaves 15 million people of the right gender.  Lets assume you have tight age range of only about 8 years or so  - 1/10th the average lifespan, so that brings it to 1.5 million people.


Most of them are obviously unsuitable, so lets have you reject out of hand 100 people and also go on a date with one person each and every day.  Assuming you can instantly recognize them and fall in love, without a single wasted day,  so it takes about 50 years to check them all.  You started at 21, that means you have about 8 years to spend with your "One".

OK, let's upgrade it a bit.   Assuming everyone is using an interned based dating system, use computers to screen reduce that 1.5 million base to about 200,000, by rejecting everyone that tells the truth about something you can't stand.   But it takes a lot more time to screen out people online than in person, as it is easier to lie on line.  Lets say you reject 40 people every day by reading their resumes, and date two people a day (one lier, one honest). That lets you examine 16,000 potential people a year.   It will still take you about 12 and a half years to reject everyone.  On average it will take 7 years of doing this to meet someone.  Keep in mind you are personally going on 14 first dates every week.  Lots of hard work.

If you are not willing to do this, then don't count on finding the one.

Worse, when you find them, they will have been happily married to their child hood sweetheart for them for 10 years.  This sweetheart is a lot like you, but annoys perhaps they simply aren't quite as tall as you, or don't have as large breasts.     But "The One" is not such a shallow ass that he/she would divorce their sweetheart and marry you because of your slight superiority.



Good marriages are not created by some insane attempt to find "The One'.  Nor are they the result of settling.
Instead of looking for the one in 30 million people within reasonable distance that is the absolute best, you need to look for the one in 30,000 that is a great catch.   They still won't be easy to find, but recognize that certain qualities are option able, not mandatory.


Good marriages are the result of people accepting minor flaws. These are things intelligent people realize are not perfect, but not worth kicking someone out of bed.  Keep your standards high by using deep standards instead of shallow ones.  Then refuse to settle.   The standard at heart should be based on two things: A)  Could they maintain an committed relationship and B) Could you maintain a committed relationship with t hem.  Anything else is garbage that just gets in the way.


One question to ask yourself is if my date was a prince of England / Supermodel, would I accept all the flaws they have?  If the answer is yes, then the flaws are shallow, things not worth considering at all.


Good marriages happen when four things occur:

1.  You are ready for a long term committed relationship.
2.  You find someone else that is ALSO ready for a long term committed relationship.
3.  You have a substantial amount of things in common but no deal-breakers.
4.  You both are attracted to each other.

That is why you need to figure out not just what the the deal breakers are but also what things you like/want but don't insist on.

One more thing.  Using the internet, it is easy to find people who are both attracted to each other (Lots of websites can do this for you - such as OKCupid.)  Similarly,assuming people tell the truth then it is easy to find someone you have substantial things in common with and avoiding deal breakers.  The problem is lies. Note, often the problem is people lying to themselves about what they want as much as it lying about what they are.  The classic lie for men is you are not picky but just want someone nice - when they really want someone attractive.  The classic lie for women is they are not picky but just want someone nice - when they really want someone tall .

The lies are also a sign of someone that is not ready for a long term committed relationship.

So the truly difficult part of all this is looking for a committed person.  That is the major advantage of expensive dating services, as well as for

To kiss on the first date

This is something that guys often think about.  Obviously, if the date goes bad, don't try for a kiss.    Should they go for a kiss on the first date if the date is going well.

 Women don't think about this, they already have their mind made up.  The problem is some of them made up their mind for Yes, while others say No.  Worse, they often judge you based on if you try for it or not - those that want a kiss are disappointed if you don't try to do it, while those that don't want a kiss are offended if you do.

In general, with this kind of decision, I recommend stop trying to figure out what women want and figure out what YOU want.   You are going to turn off some women anyway, so it might as well be women that disagree with you, rather than women that agree with you.


But I will add two more points.  Unfortunately they are slightly contradictory.

1. Better to be decisive than to waffle
2. It is a good idea to go slowly, giving her the opportunity to signal you that she doesn't want to kiss.

Now it is possible to be decisively slow.  The trick is to start slow and at the slightest negative sign immediately stop.  Do not restart.

Part of this is simply learning to read the non-verbal communication signs that women expect men to know but absolutely refuse to teach them.

Most of my posts work hard to be balanced, and right now you may think I am not being balanced.

Men also have non-verbal communication signs that we expect women to know and absolutely refuse to teach.  Mainly because most of our non-verbal signs tend to be passive aggressive - such as"Distracted response" =  "I don't want to do this right now, can't you seem I'm doing something that is time sensitive."  Or the ever popular "noncommittal/uninvolved slight agreement" = "I absolutely do not want to argue or even talk about this right now, but actually I disagree with you strongly."

Communication is key.   Both men and women need to do it better

The cliche geek girl

When I was young, there was a bunch of movies that had the cliche geek girl.  In the movies, she wore unshapely cloathing, had her hair in a bun, and wore unflattering glasses.

Strangely enough, they usually still gave her good make up and hair.  It would have been easy to say no make up and a bad hair color, but the movies generally did not go even that far.

It was a fairly ridiculous cliche, particularly when you compared it to old black and white movies from the 30's, 40's and even 50's.  Back then they were perfectly OK with casting a, shall we say, less 'traditionally pretty' women.  Now a days, with few exceptions (Glee actually has TWO girls that outweigh me), even the supporting cast must be gorgeous and thin (unless they are making fun of someone). 

Until recently, I felt that cliché was ridiculous.    Today I danced with what could have been the prototype for the cliché.  She was a pretty , natural blond woman, smart enough to work for a major financial news source, that somehow managed to make herself look less than attractive

She had the clumsiness of a beginner dancer, which did not help.  But I could tell that that she had talent and a love of tango.  With time, practice, and instruction, she could become as graceful as any.

She wore a dress that did not flatter her figure.  Granted she came from work, but other women managed to dress up.  Similarly, her hair was up in the classic bun and she wore glasses that were not the best for her.  

Now first of all, she doesn't owe me or anyone else anything.  If she doesn't want to make the effort, that is her right.   Even without making the effort, she was still a little bit above average.   The thing is, I don't think she knows how pretty she actually is.  If this was the movie there would be a montage and she would come out a perfect 10.   In real life, I doubt it would take more than 8 hours to fix her up.   If she simply had a friend willing to dress her up and do advice her on all the other maintenance that women do, she would been the prettiest women on the dance floor

I can't really tell her because I could be wrong.  She might know exactly what she is doing.   She could be happy the way she is, not interested in dating/attracting men/women.  Or maybe she is already involved with someone. who likes her the way she is.

Note, this generally does not work as extreme for straight men.  Mainly because the things that attract straight men tend to require small amounts of daily maintenance (hair and make-up being prime examples) while the things that attract women tend to require excessive amounts of long term work (money and status) or are simply set by the time you are 20 (height).

The Ex-Girlfriend's Wedding

The best boyfriends make the best ex-boyfriend.  I am not perfect - there is a girl I definitely don't want to meet again, and another that I dislike.  But in general, I get along well with my ex-girlfriends.   In fact I often have lunch with one of them.  She recently got married and I attended a post-wedding party.  It was fun to finally meet her husband and I got along well with them.  In general the party was fun.

But I attended alone.  If you are going to attend an ex's wedding (or even just a post-wedding party), it is a good idea to bring a date.

Without a date, I felt like the loser.  Here my ex was, married to a great guy while I couldn't even get a date to bring to her party.

The thing is, I have dated woman since we broke up, but happen not to be dating anyone right now.  I even have a first date planned for Tuesday. Clearly I am not a failure, just not in the best position right now.

Seeing someone you once cared about doing better than you can really hurt.     Logically, it should be no worse than seeing a random couple off the street being happy, but the heart is not logical.  We compare ourselves mostly to people we know, and ex-girlfriends are some of the people we know best.

I survived the party, and so can you.  At heart, I am glad she found someone she likes.  Best of all, I liked him, which made me glad that she dated me.  She clearly has good taste in men.