How we lie

People lie.  Not just to others, but to themselves.

Everyone knows that men lie about sex.  Recently I heard an updated version of an old joke.  The version I heard was:  "To figure out how many women a guy actually slept with, ask him, cut that number in half, then subtract 3."  I wondered what happens when a guy says an odd number (9 people = 1.5).  How do you sleep with half a girl?  Are we talking Necrophiliac, or maybe he just got a BJ?

The real problem is that some men are actually honest.  In fact, the lower the number, the more likely it is to be true.   The number of women I have slept with be counted on one hand - assuming you are using Bill Clinton's definition of sex.   Even if you use a prosecutor's definition, that number is less than half my age.   When asked, I usually say 5, as in my mind, the strictest definition is more in keeping with my character.   

The entire myth of men bragging about sex comes from a relatively small subset of men.   There are lots of honest men out there.   If you want one but can't find one, then your personal standard for dating needs to be upgraded.

Usually when men lie about their sexual conquests, the only people they fool is themselves    There is a incredibly silly scene in Cocaine Cowboys II, where drug dealer Charles Cosby claims to have slept with a legal assistant who was prosecuting him.  When you find out later the legal assistant blew a big case because of sexting with someone ELSE, you realize why this idiot thought he could get away with such an obvious lie.   I doubt anyone except Charles Cosby was stupid enough to believe his tale of being seduced.



Men claim to have sex with women that wouldn't touch them.  But women claim that they are not shallow and don't care about appearances. 

There is a web site called OK Cupid, and they track what their members do.  It found among other things (Source), that women rated 80% of men as 'below average' attractiveness.   Keep in mind that they were rating attractiveness based on a picture, without easy access to height or job information.   Men on the other hand gave the expected bell curve, with about 50% being below average and 50% being above average.

This is because most women do not understand what makes a man attractive.   They know what they personally like, and lie to themselves, saying they don't care about appearances.  At heart, women still think that the general societal view of male attractiveness is "Male Model".  But the typical Male Model is "Pretty", not Handsome.   They are chosen not to appeal to women, but to appeal to gay men.  So the women rated the men on how close their face was to "male model pretty", and found that 80% of men were less than average 'male model pretty',  and they did not care that much about 'male model pretty' when it comes to who they email.   Male "below average" were in fact more likely to get mail than "average", using the women's score of attractiveness.

It reminds me of a scene in "How I Met Your Mother" (HIMYM).  They are discussing how in every relationship there is always a more attractive person and the other person is 'reaching'.  Marshall (Jason Segel) asks Lilly (Alyson Hannigan) and eventually gets her to admit she thinks she is more attractive.

First of all, let me state that I am a big fan of Alyson Hannigan.  In my personal opinion, she is a 9 (10 if she dresses up as Vamp Willow - but that's just my inner kinky geek).  But in HIMYM, they downplay her attractiveness to make Robyn (Cobie Smulders - a 10 who does not actually need the help) look better.    So while Alyson deserves at least a 9 for attractiveness, Lilly earns an 8.

But Marshall Eriksen is just about a perfect 10 when it comes to the average girl's first impression.  He is 6'4",  corporate lawyer that is not stuffy, has hair, and is in good shape. 

Marshall is clearly the 'more attractive partner', at least from the shallow perspective, but Lilly doesn't know it.  Why?  Because she (like most women) thinks that attractiveness is found in the face of male models, and Marshall does not look like that.

Note, it should also be noted that in HIMYM, it is demonstrated that Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) that we know sleeps with a lot women - lies about sleeping with women.   Women lie about not being shallow, men lie about sex.   It is a very realistic show. 

The average woman does not like male models, they like: tall, successful, men with a full head of hair and more muscle than fat (but not body-builders).   The average man does not sleep with very men women.  Unless of course you are in good shape and are either very famous or very  rich.

So women claim they are not as shallow as men.   Simultaneously, men claim they can get laid as easily as a woman can.  Neither claim is true. 

Chemistry

Chemistry is short hand for "I'm attracted to you".

When someone says they don't want to date you because there was no chemistry, they mean "I can't imagine having sex with you without a lot of alcohol", but are being polite.

Politeness is a huge mercy, so don't get upset with them.  But if this happens a lot, you may need to lower your expectations of physical beauty, and raise them for deeper things.  That is, stop trying to hit on the hottie with the body but no brain, and look for someone smart enough to want to get into your pants/dress/kilt/mumu, etc.

On the other hand if you keep going on dates where you are the one feeling  'no chemistry', then you may need to start asking out the smoking hot guy/gal.   This goes for women too.  I assure you, any man worth dating will be happy if you make the first move.  But remember that guys that get 8 rejections out of 10 tries are doing pretty good, so don't get discouraged when you are turned down.  Guys are easy, so chances are you will probably only get turned down one out of two tries, not 8 out of 10 - as long as you are asking out people that are 'in your league'.

Anger Management

Anger is natural.  It pumps you up and gets you going to do something physical.    If you are facing an invading army, it is the perfect emotion to feel.    If you are facing a loved, liked, or even tolerated one, anger is the worst thing that can happen to you.   Anger makes you want to hurt your target.  This works fine if your goal is death.  Not so much if you don't want to actually kill them.

Anger makes people win the battle but lose the war.    The mechanism is fairly simple.  Anger gets you to over-commit your resources.  If you spend too much on one battle, you won't have enough to win others later on.

This works for relationships as well as wars.

When dealing with something that makes you angry, my advice is to first go some place and calm down.  Then start thinking about how to achieve your goals WITHOUT hurting anyone you care about. 

It is not a good idea to convince your husband to give up Sunday Football and go shopping with you if he will resent you for it.   Even if he hides the resentment.     It is not a good idea to convince your wife to try a threesome if she doesn't want one.  Even if she orgasms. 

It is better that neither person gets what they want if it means the other is resentful.  You need to find ways to compromise so that BOTH sides end up happy.  Part of that is accepting that your partner may get happy from things that you don't like.  Even things you hate.     To quote Dan Savage "If cake play is what a man needs, his wife should give it to him; if she can’t bring herself to, then maybe she should allow him a chocolate-frosted excursion with another woman." (This was in response to a man who simply wanted his girlfriend to slam a chocolate cake into his face - cake play meant playing with cake, not a euphemism.)

Sometimes you will be in a situation where someone is going to end up resentful no matter what.   One person has family in California and wants to stay there, the other gets a great job offer in Texas.  The trick there is for one person to bribe the other till they think it is worth it.

Maybe offer to use a lot of that extra money to buy a Motorcycle for the one that wants to stay in California (even though the Texas bound person thinks they are too generous).

Note, these techniques also work well in other types of relationships.  Amazing what simply staying calm when talking to an airline can sometimes do.   Of course it requires that both people be reasonable, not always the case.

How many phone numbers should a single person get/give?

One of the things that shy people do is focus on one single possible date.  They pick out the best person and only concentrate on her/him.  Unless you are Gisele Bundchen /  Jude Law, this is obviously a bad idea.

Note, I am not talking about being a player and sleeping around.  If you want to do that, it's another topic entirely.   Instead I am talking about when you are between relationships, not sleeping with anyone yet.

I try to have 3-4 potential dates lined up at any one time.  In my personal experience, about 2/3 of them will not work out.  They won't call you (or call you back), they will flake out and cancel, etc. etc.   Often they thought about dating you, but found someone (or thing to do) they thought was better.  You were their "safety" pick.  It took me a while to understand this, as I don't make safety picks and rarely if ever cancel.   If I say I will call you, I generally do.  But I am an exception.   Other times real life gets in the way - they get sick, work gets busy, etc.  In either case, sometimes they are rude and don't call/call back, other times they have the courtesy to tell you on the phone.


The remaining third are not always winners.  They may show up for the date, but it turns out to be a bad date.   Recently I dated someone who, despite repeated attempts at my part to explain the difference, thought Salsa and Tango were the same thing.  At this point I realized that perhaps she was not the girl for me.

So when I am on the prowl, I try to get about 3 new phone numbers each week.  I expect one to use voice mail to ignore me, another to cancel (perhaps with a reschedule - but not always).  That leaves one person to go on an actual date.

In a successful week, I have a second date and a first date planned.   I don't stop asking additional women out until a relationship has progressed to sex.  Once that happens, I stop dating other people till I see if the relationship works out.

But sometimes a date progresses faster than you realize.   Which of course leads to the situation of what do you do if you had another date planned already/promised to call someone but you just had sex.   As a guy I like to keep the other dates.  So far, every time this has happened the other dates have not impressed me enough to give up the existing relationship and I don't ask them out again.  I call this "dating without intent".

But I am a guy who usually pays for dinner - even on second dates.  That means that when I "date without intent" ,  I am buying a women dinner "under false pretenses".  Buying a dinner is very different than accepting dinner 'under false pretense'.    I don't really know what I would do as a woman.   That might be why I get many more cancellations than I give out - but I myself would never do that.

My advice to women that are in this situation is to call up the new guy and tell him you would go on a date with him again if he let you buy him dinner.    If he refused, explain that you are getting serious with another man and don't expect him change your mind.  Worst case scenario call and cancel.  

Never leave a guy hanging  - he might be keeping date night free in case you call him back.  Yeah, this is kind of sad - but don't kick a guy that is already down.

Honesty vs. Deception.

Everyone complains about liars, but no one admits they lie.  Most people lie, at least a little bit.  The problem is that there is no clear line between truth, big lies or small lies.  It is a spectrum, with some lies being a lot worse than others. Hence the expression "white lie".

At one end of the spectrum is the person that thinks makeup is a lie because it makes you look better than you really look.  Thank god, I have never met anyone that rigidly honest.  I doubt I would like them.  On the other end of the spectrum is a guy (or gal)  that claims to be single because their spouse is not physically in the same room.   I have met people like this and I know I don't like them.

In between you have people that think it is OK to leave out information that you did not ask.  It starts at "You never asked if I had actually owned the car, or rented it for the weekend." and ends at "You never asked if I had a sexually transmitted disease."  Other people lie about their weight, height, age, job, etc.   There are white lies about liking your significant other's new clothing or hair style.  There are the gray-er lies about liking the same food, music,  movies, sports, past times, etc as a new date does.  We've all seen the movie/TV joke where someone says they have skill in a sport/hobby/game and then ends up having to prove it.

To make matters worse, people often lie to themselves about the things they lie to others.   If you ask a woman how much she weighs, unless she weighed herself that morning, most likely she will think back to the last 5 times she weighed herself and pick the lowest number, not the most recent.  Similarly, guys tend to remember their maximum height - with shoes on, in the morning, at age 20 (shoes can easily add a centimeter, you lose some height during the day -and regain it at night,  and in worst case scenarios you can lose a centimeter of height in a decade).   

There is a whole spectrum of honesty to deception.


I am pretty honest.   If anything, I tell a bit too much about myself too early in the relationship.   But I am not perfect, I lie.  I don't correct my father when he says the Battle of the Bulge happened in WWI (it was WWII).  I pretend to believe in Santa Claus when little kids are around.   I do my best to look taller, richer, and in general more attractive to women.  If I were a woman, I would use make-up.  In my opinion all of these things are perfectly acceptable, normal behavior. 

Then there is the "my lie is not as bad as yours" crowd.  Men think that lying about height is not as bad as lying about your age.  We talk about rare cases when men go to jail because a 17 year old girl claimed she was 18, and the guy was 22.   Women think that lying about their age is not as bad, because they look young.   Then they talk about how if they give their real age they get hit on by men much older than them.

Here are a list of unacceptable (to me) lies.  People should never lie or even imply a falsehood about:

1. Sexually transmitted diseases
2. Pregnancy
3. Being in a relationship/marriage
4. Age if you are under 18. 

Those lies are beyond the pale.  

In general, you should also not lie about:

1. Debt
2. Employment
3. Children
4. Past relationships
5. Legal issues

No one likes it when people lie about the following, but it is so common that a little wiggle room is not a big deal:

1. Weight (5-10 lbs wiggle room)
2. Age (1-2 years wiggle room)  - as long as you don't claim to be 18+ when you are younger
3. Height (1-3 centimeters = 1 inch wiggle room)

People tend to forgive lies about liking clothing, food, games, etc.    While they are still lies, no reasonable person will dump you if you lied about liking/not liking Lady Gaga. 

Another issue is that people usually over-estimate how good they are at detecting lies.   No one thinks they can be fooled, but somehow liars always seem to prosper.    It is very hard to tell how honest someone is. Liars lie about how honest they are - to themselves as well as to others.  Worse, sex is one of those things that inspire most lies.

My big problem is that honest daters are competing with liars   The liars are pretty convincing - they have lots of experience.  So the 'lie hearers' tend to discount things a bit.  He says 6', they expect 5'11.   She says 35, they expect 37.

Lets say you tell the truth and admit that the doctor measured you yesterday at 4 PM, in your bare feet and you are 5'5 and a 1/2".    There will be women that reject you but who will still date a 5'5" that said he was 5'7".  No, she can't tell because guess what, he used lifts or wore cowboy boots (both of which can add 2 inches to a guy's height).   He gets to keep the girl.  Similarly, the women that says her weight is 140, when she is really 160, can show up in a full corset and pull it off.    She gets to keep the guy.  Yes, eventually they have to show the truth, but by then they have emotional hooks into their 'victim'.

This effectively punishes those of us that are actually honest.   When people (both women and men) say they hate liars, they usually mean they hate BAD liars.  They generally dislike truth tellers more than effective liars. When a women complains about men lying about their height, she almost always rejects short men before she rejects a liar.  It's why men lie about their height online.  Most woman that will reject us for lying about our height would have never given us a chance if we told the truth.  

More importantly, unattractive people hope that attractive people would date us if they got to know us.   At heart it is an inherent belief in romance - that beauty will fall for the beast.  Only the truly cynical never hoped for the fairy-tale ending. 
 
My favourite are the women that say "I need someone tall enough to wear high heels with?"  Did someone pass a law that says you can't wear high heels if you date a short man?  No.  Would she refuse to walk down the street next to a short male friend?  No.   She is admitting she is so shallow that she won't even date someone that LOOKS like they are shorter than her, even if they are actually taller than her.  These same women give lie to the claim that "there are plenty of women willing to date short men."  No, there are not.

Similarly, there are not plenty of men willing to date overweight women, nor are there plenty of men willing to date older women.   Strangely, we do seem to be better at hiding our shallowness than women.  In my age group, there are guys that say "I want a woman under 35 in order to have children."  It's a much better excuse than the high heels crap.  If they really want children (I want children and used to use this excuse), at least it presents them as an honourable family man, rather than someone bending to peer-pressure.   But science can now get a 68 year old woman pregnant.   If a woman wants children, age is not an insurmountable obstacle.   In truth, the 40+ men that require a wife 35- are being just as shallow as the women requiring a tall man.  Note, preferring is not shallow, but requiring is. Also, as a reminder, it's OK to be shallow - as long as you admit that is what you are doing.

Here is a simple test.  Think of something that people tend to lie about.  Now assume that they lied the REVERSE way, in order to deceive you.   That is, the tall guy claimed to be short, the 30 year old woman claimed to 35, or the faithful spouse claimed they cheated on you.  How would you react?  Now you can really tell if you care more about the lie or the thing being lied about.  If you would not care, about the reverse lie, then you don't really care about being lied to.

In general, for the things I don't want a date to lie to me about, I don't care which way they lies.   If she claims to be broke when she is rich, I would be just as upset as the other way around.  If she claimed to have cheated on me as a 'test' to see if I loved her, I would dump her (fidelity is very important to me - but honesty beats fidelity).   If she claimed to be average weight when she was anorexic, I would not date her.


I don't think that is the case for most people - I value honesty more than most.  As such, I expect more honesty from myself and demand it from others.

That said, age has tempered my honesty.  For years I proudly listed my height (at least the height I thought I was - which was measured shoes on, at 20, in the morning).   Now, I prefer to leave my height blank on dating websites.   I even own a pair of cowboy boots.  They add about two inches to my height and  I usually wear the boots on the first date.

Am I a liar?   Perhaps I am, just a little bit - but not more than a woman wearing a corset.

---------------
P.S.  If you are dating me, please wear high heels even if you are taller than me.  Particularly if I take you dancing.  I guarantee you will have more fun dancing tango with me than with most tall men.

Daddy Issues

When a women engages in sexual activities that others object to, she is very likely to be labeled as having "daddy issues".  It is a very common slang applied to everyone from loose women to prostitutes.  The idea comes from Freud, a doctor who, while still praised for introducing science to what was the art of psychology, has had almost all of his theories thoroughly discredited. 

I am firmly against the idea of "Daddy Issues".   I feel the entire concept is insulting to women.   Women make up their own mind, they are not slaves to their childhood.  They are responsible for their own choices when it comes to sex, not a bad up-bringing.


There is no reliable scientific evidence showing that an absent or bad father creates a sexual daughter.   More importantly, most young ladies (and grown women) are closer to their mother and are far more likely to discuss sex or seek advice from their mother than their father.  Yes, fathers are important - to both sons and daughters.  Yes, a good father can make a difference.  He can help keep her off drugs, out of crime, and raise her self-esteem.   But a daughter (or son) with daddy issues is no more likely to be more sexual than someone else.  If anything, someone with low self-esteem is likely to be shy and retiring, not overtly sexual.   Moreover, poor self-esteem is NOT the reason why women turn to sex.   Strippers usually have a very highly developed self esteem.  They are if anything, arrogant (or so I have heard, my experience here is rather limited).  Some use their money to support a kid, others to support an education, and others to support a high end lifestyle.

Sex is usually fairly easy for women, particularly thin women.  Think about how many men would sell sex to women for money if they knew they could make money doing it.   I know male  doctors that would quit their job and turn "Pro".   Not to mention certain politicians I know that would do it in a second.

The question is not why some women sell sex but why so many don't.  Most women are respectable (thank you, from those of us looking for a wife, not just a good time). The money and attention can be remarkably high for a tiny amount of effort.   The reasons not to are rather limited:  1. age limits on effectiveness, 2. the effect on serious relationship, 3.  bad reputation.

This means that women that are (at least by societies standards) overly sexual do so not because of 'daddy issues' but instead because:

1. They have a "Live in the Moment" philosophy
2. They enjoy being single and don't want a relationship
3. They don't care what others think of them.

This matches what I know of strippers, kids on "Girls Gone Wild", and other such people.    These are not what Freud or common wisdom considers "Daddy Issues".   They do not have low self-esteem, they simply are not planing on being a respectable, traditional mother.  At least not 'now'.

To my mind, we need to stop using pop psychology to label and ignore sexuality.  There is no such thing as "Daddy Issues".

Why I still dance

There are a lot of good reasons to dance.  Dance is good exercise, social and beautiful. But I have been dancing tango for well over a decade, and those are not the reasons why I keep coming back for more.

When you are single, every once in a while you become discouraged.   You worry you will never meet the right women/man.  That you are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, young enough, or whatever other insecurity that lives in your soul.     Worse, sometimes you will see beautiful people that you know would never date you - even if they wanted to dance with you. Sometimes that alone is enough to discourage you.  Luckily that doesn't happen all the time.  This post is about a much nicer experience on the dance floor.

There are three ways I generally lead a tango.  I can dance for the audience, making every step look elegant, but sometimes feeling awkward.  I can dance for myself and my partner - perhaps being less visually striking, but feeling fantastic.  Or I can dance for romance.  This is not an attempt to win romance, but instead to feel it.  Note, it helps that I am a pretty good dancer, but this worked even when I was a novice.  On my very first tango lesson, Paul Pellicoro inspired a tiny version of this feeling, which got me hooked on tango. He did it without even touching me - using just the sight of his feet, the meaning of his words and the sound of tango in the background.

When I dance for romance, for the length of that song, there is a woman that loves me.  She loves me as much as any woman has ever loved a man.  Her every step, every movement she does to please me, knowing that my every step, every movement I do to please her.   We are not just the focus of each others attention, but the entirety of it.   Our every thought is of each other, our hearts beat as one, we feel each others breath, and we support each other.

For the length of that song, I know I am worthy of any woman.  While the music plays, I know I can win someone's love, I just have to find her.   Even after the song has ended, I know that if I can feel that way once, I can feel it again - and be worthy of her when I find her.

And that is why I dance.