More about liars

I saw an interesting talk (on hulu) given by Pamela Meyers about lieing. http://www.hulu.com/watch/289199/tedtalks-pamela-meyer-how-to-spot-a-liar

In the past I have said that people are more truthful than most people think.  I still think that is true.  Pamela includes "No, you don't look fat in that dress" as a lie.   I agree, if you include all of those white lies and similar weak things, you get a lot of liars.

I accept small lies in a relationship.  You should too.  You shouldn't complain about makeup as 'lies'.  Saying you object to liars is most often a way to hide the fact that you are angry that the lie wasn't true.  You don't really care about your date lying, you care about them not living up ridiculous standards.



Train lie spotters are about 94% accurate  Untrained is about 54%.  So here are some helpful hints on how to spot a lie.  First is what they say:

1. Formal, not informal.  I didn't have sex with that women is likely true.  I did not have sex with that woman was a lie
2. Distance from subject.  She is true, That Woman is a lie.
3. Qualifying language.  I did not send her that particular photo.  I did not go on a date with her to the movie.  Instead I sent her a different photo and went to a different movie.
4. Excess detail.   I went to the 5:40 showing of Moneyball, is a lie.  I went to a movie is the truth.
5. Everything in strict chronological order, but can't repeat it backwards means it was memorized rather than experienced.

Body language:

1. Liars freeze.   They are trying to trick you.  Truth-tellers fidget.  They don't know what is going on. 
2. Liars look you in the eye.  Truth-tellers look away. Ignore the "look one direction bullshit" found in movies)
3. Liars smile with their mouth.  Truth-tellers smile with their eyes as well as their mouth.
4. Body contradicts voice (because we don't practice body movements).  Liars shake their head side to side when they say yes and nod their head up and down when they say no.

Attitude:

1. honest people are cooperative.  They agree to speculate about who did things, agree to act out stuff.  They don't think they are a real suspect because they know they didn't do it.   Liars refuse to help, are expecting a trap.
2. Honest people get angry when they are falsely accused and stay that way throughout the interview.  Liars get angry but eventually stop being angry.  They knew they were going to be accused and expected it.

Note, most of those things do not work when talking about small lies - your weight and height.   That is, dates don't become formal, don't get distant, don't use excessive detail, etc.  If you accuse them of lying, everyone gets angry and stay angry.

But they will work on cheaters.

Of course, there is a problem worse than the lies.  It is the push you need to do to even attempt to figure out the lies. The only way to get there is to be the bastard. 

So by trying to figure out if they are cheating on them, you may treat an innocent person worse than they treated you.