In the movies, books, and other media, we are taught not to give up.
This is a major problem with dating. We work too hard on doomed relationships. Whether we are talking about the girl/guy you moon over for months or the spouse you despise and think about killing, LEAVE THEM.
Many of us need to learn to give up. We keep wishing for things we already know won't work out.
Give up on the hopeless girl or guy that doesn't like us. Give up on the doomed relationship (even if it's marriage, even if you have children.)
One of the reasons I haven't posted on this blog in a while is that I found a woman and am too busy dating her to blog about the problems I have had with other people. I don't know yet if this relationship is going to work out. But I know what the major potential problems are both of us are working very hard to solve them.
She is a wonderful, intelligent, caring, successful woman and I hope to god we can work out our issues. Ending up with her would be a wonderful way to spend the rest of my life.
But we have set a deadline to solve the major problems in our relationship. If we don't solve them by the end of this year, we will probably go our separate ways.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Women that insist on an insensitive guy
I hate it when a woman says she will call but doesn't actually call me back.
Some people are OK with that behavior. I know at least one woman that actually told me she preferred it.
Recently I had a really good time talking with a woman I found on OK Cupid. She never gave me her phone number (well, it showed up on my phone, so I knew what it was), and she said she would call me back.
I'm a pretty assertive guy, but if she wanted to do it that way, I was fine with it. But I did want to make clear my position about call backs. So I ask her if she didn't want to date me, to at least leave a message saying so, not to leave me hanging.
A couple of days later she sent me an email back saying that she did not want to meet me BECAUSE I had asked her to leave the message. It said
"After we hung up I realized that I felt strange about you telling me to let you know if I was not interested in meeting. I wanted to be honest and thought you seemed nice otherwise but it was off-putting.
I wish you all the best but don't think we will be a good match."
In certain ways I am glad she said no. I agree that we would not be a good match. I am clearly way too good for her. And I mean that in the most uncomplimentary way possible. She is not worth my time or effort.
I have emotions and feelings and am willing to tell her about them, but she clearly doesn't want that in a guy.
I wish her luck in her life, but not her search. Because while she will surely find a guy who will hide his emotions, I don't think she is going to actually LIKE him after she gets to know him.
Some people are OK with that behavior. I know at least one woman that actually told me she preferred it.
Recently I had a really good time talking with a woman I found on OK Cupid. She never gave me her phone number (well, it showed up on my phone, so I knew what it was), and she said she would call me back.
I'm a pretty assertive guy, but if she wanted to do it that way, I was fine with it. But I did want to make clear my position about call backs. So I ask her if she didn't want to date me, to at least leave a message saying so, not to leave me hanging.
A couple of days later she sent me an email back saying that she did not want to meet me BECAUSE I had asked her to leave the message. It said
"After we hung up I realized that I felt strange about you telling me to let you know if I was not interested in meeting. I wanted to be honest and thought you seemed nice otherwise but it was off-putting.
I wish you all the best but don't think we will be a good match."
In certain ways I am glad she said no. I agree that we would not be a good match. I am clearly way too good for her. And I mean that in the most uncomplimentary way possible. She is not worth my time or effort.
I have emotions and feelings and am willing to tell her about them, but she clearly doesn't want that in a guy.
I wish her luck in her life, but not her search. Because while she will surely find a guy who will hide his emotions, I don't think she is going to actually LIKE him after she gets to know him.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
On what kind of shallow is good to have
From my dating prospects, I have noticed several different kinds of shallow behavior.
Keep in mind that I am in FAVOR of being shallow. What I am against is being shallow then complaining about the lack of good dates.
First of all note that men have a slight advantage here. If we are too shallow, we get no dates. So eventually, we lower our shallow standards - i.e. ask out more women, not just the hot, thin gorgeous ones. Usually this also means we decide to not put up with bull crap. That is, in crassest of terms, if we have to date an ugly chick, she better be nice to us.
But with women, the reverse tends to occur. I.e. Women get hit on, rather than hit on other people. When they are being shallow, they don't stop going on dates - they go on BAD dates. As a result their initial reaction is not to lower their standards but to raise them. Which means, she starts going on less dates.
The problem is that they don't always raise the right standards. The shallow standards are the obvious ones -height, hair, wealth, style, etc. They are things you can easily tell before you go on a date. So if women are going on bad dates, they figure at least he should be tall and have, money and style. But those guys are in fact more likely to be the BAD dates - otherwise someone would have married them already (or maybe they did already marry them.).
So some women can get into a viscous cycle gets created - bad dates = more selective about shallow things = more bad dates.
I'm going to talk about some of the really stupid things I have seen women list as 'must haves' on OK cupid. These aren't jokes (as far as I can tell), nor are they normal shallow things such as (I'm a personal trainer/model and want someone as pretty as I am). They go beyond the normal rules.
All of these are from REAL dating profiles.
I am not bald. I refused to write to the "sorry no bald guys" women even though I otherwise liked her. I've dated women like her before and I don't need to do it again. The height thing used to bother me and I used to tilt at the windmill, so to speak, but I have given up. Oh, I still ask out taller women, but I don't ask them out if they mention they want a tall guy on their profile. It just demonstrates shallowness and foolishness on their part.
Keep in mind that I am in FAVOR of being shallow. What I am against is being shallow then complaining about the lack of good dates.
First of all note that men have a slight advantage here. If we are too shallow, we get no dates. So eventually, we lower our shallow standards - i.e. ask out more women, not just the hot, thin gorgeous ones. Usually this also means we decide to not put up with bull crap. That is, in crassest of terms, if we have to date an ugly chick, she better be nice to us.
But with women, the reverse tends to occur. I.e. Women get hit on, rather than hit on other people. When they are being shallow, they don't stop going on dates - they go on BAD dates. As a result their initial reaction is not to lower their standards but to raise them. Which means, she starts going on less dates.
The problem is that they don't always raise the right standards. The shallow standards are the obvious ones -height, hair, wealth, style, etc. They are things you can easily tell before you go on a date. So if women are going on bad dates, they figure at least he should be tall and have, money and style. But those guys are in fact more likely to be the BAD dates - otherwise someone would have married them already (or maybe they did already marry them.).
So some women can get into a viscous cycle gets created - bad dates = more selective about shallow things = more bad dates.
I'm going to talk about some of the really stupid things I have seen women list as 'must haves' on OK cupid. These aren't jokes (as far as I can tell), nor are they normal shallow things such as (I'm a personal trainer/model and want someone as pretty as I am). They go beyond the normal rules.
All of these are from REAL dating profiles.
- Can't have watched and enjoyed all three Lord of the Rings.
- Height - must be at least 5 inches taller than her
- Music - must like the same band she liked
- NOT being creative - apparently this girl was anti-art and meant it
- "sorry no bald guys"
I am not bald. I refused to write to the "sorry no bald guys" women even though I otherwise liked her. I've dated women like her before and I don't need to do it again. The height thing used to bother me and I used to tilt at the windmill, so to speak, but I have given up. Oh, I still ask out taller women, but I don't ask them out if they mention they want a tall guy on their profile. It just demonstrates shallowness and foolishness on their part.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Porn and Dating.
I am not going to discuss the morality of porn. Some think it is evil, others just a harmless good time. Either way, attitudes toward pornography is an incredibly good subject for an early conversation with serious dates. That does not mean discussing what kind of porn you like. Your goal is not to seduce, but to discover.
Specifically you need to discover the attitude your date has towards pornography. If one of you considers pornography to be immoral and the other enjoys it, that by itself will be a major problem in the relationship. In effect, one of you thinks the other is evil. Not a good sign for a relationship.
Worse, it probably indicates far deeper problems with basic attitudes toward sex. People that like dislike porn are more likely to insist on the missionary position, with the lights off, no more than once a week. People that like porn are more likely to be adventurous. These are important things you need to know before starting a serious relationship.
I wouldn't discuss it on first date, but if you are considering a long term relationship, then you need to have the talk. Don't force it, but if you need a topic, there it is.
Your goal is to discover the following:
1) How does the other person honestly feel about porn in general.
2) Are there limitations? I.E. Is it OK for singles, but not for married, is it not OK for parents, is it not OK for kids, etc. etc.
3) Can you live with their views HONESTLY. No hiding the porn, no pretending. Keep in mind that five years after you know someone, most of the passion will vanish. Chances are you won't be able to 'go without' forever if you disagree with their views.
4) For the experts/stronger relationships only: Which fetishes change the rules i.e. ok with straight vanilla, but not ok with child/bdsm/crush/food/old/fat. (Note, if they are OK with real child pornography, I suggest you run away from them. But there is a huge difference between real kiddie porn and cartoon porn, or real kiddie and role-play).
I know, some of you guys are going to say "but so few women are porn friendly and so many men enjoy it" So what? First, that is THEIR problem, not yours. Chances are most perverted men can find a woman that accepts (if not enjoys) porn easier than a prudish women can find a man that agrees with her. Yes, you may be rejecting a beautiful woman you like - but she thinks you are EVIL - with all capital letters. I can see dating someone that thinks you are evil - but a Long Term Relationship? You have to be a strange breed of masochist to have a Long Term Relationship with someone that thinks you are EVIL.
You should not compromise your principles to meet someone else's views. That goes for both anti-porn and pro porn people. Yes, pro-porn IS a principle if you don't think porn is wrong. It's several in fact - a belief in the innate goodness of sex, as opposed to evil, a belief in the right to free speech, a belief in your own equality and individual rights as opposed to being a servant to your spouse.
Worse, doing so puts you in the wrong, even if your view about porn is god's truth. That is, if you say you accept porn, but don't really, then you are lying, and have damaged the relationship. Similarly, if you say you don't like porn, but your internet browser history would make Hugh Hefner blush, then your lies will undermine the relationship.
To the women that are suddenly realizing that their own views may restrict the men they can date - wouldn't you rather the men be honest and not date you, rather than date you and then deceive you? If you find your morals limits your dating prospects too much, then it is your issue, not theirs. If you truly hold those morals, then stand up for them. If not, you need some introspection and consider growing as a person.
Specifically you need to discover the attitude your date has towards pornography. If one of you considers pornography to be immoral and the other enjoys it, that by itself will be a major problem in the relationship. In effect, one of you thinks the other is evil. Not a good sign for a relationship.
Worse, it probably indicates far deeper problems with basic attitudes toward sex. People that like dislike porn are more likely to insist on the missionary position, with the lights off, no more than once a week. People that like porn are more likely to be adventurous. These are important things you need to know before starting a serious relationship.
I wouldn't discuss it on first date, but if you are considering a long term relationship, then you need to have the talk. Don't force it, but if you need a topic, there it is.
Your goal is to discover the following:
1) How does the other person honestly feel about porn in general.
2) Are there limitations? I.E. Is it OK for singles, but not for married, is it not OK for parents, is it not OK for kids, etc. etc.
3) Can you live with their views HONESTLY. No hiding the porn, no pretending. Keep in mind that five years after you know someone, most of the passion will vanish. Chances are you won't be able to 'go without' forever if you disagree with their views.
4) For the experts/stronger relationships only: Which fetishes change the rules i.e. ok with straight vanilla, but not ok with child/bdsm/crush/food/old/fat. (Note, if they are OK with real child pornography, I suggest you run away from them. But there is a huge difference between real kiddie porn and cartoon porn, or real kiddie and role-play).
I know, some of you guys are going to say "but so few women are porn friendly and so many men enjoy it" So what? First, that is THEIR problem, not yours. Chances are most perverted men can find a woman that accepts (if not enjoys) porn easier than a prudish women can find a man that agrees with her. Yes, you may be rejecting a beautiful woman you like - but she thinks you are EVIL - with all capital letters. I can see dating someone that thinks you are evil - but a Long Term Relationship? You have to be a strange breed of masochist to have a Long Term Relationship with someone that thinks you are EVIL.
You should not compromise your principles to meet someone else's views. That goes for both anti-porn and pro porn people. Yes, pro-porn IS a principle if you don't think porn is wrong. It's several in fact - a belief in the innate goodness of sex, as opposed to evil, a belief in the right to free speech, a belief in your own equality and individual rights as opposed to being a servant to your spouse.
Worse, doing so puts you in the wrong, even if your view about porn is god's truth. That is, if you say you accept porn, but don't really, then you are lying, and have damaged the relationship. Similarly, if you say you don't like porn, but your internet browser history would make Hugh Hefner blush, then your lies will undermine the relationship.
To the women that are suddenly realizing that their own views may restrict the men they can date - wouldn't you rather the men be honest and not date you, rather than date you and then deceive you? If you find your morals limits your dating prospects too much, then it is your issue, not theirs. If you truly hold those morals, then stand up for them. If not, you need some introspection and consider growing as a person.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Rural vs Urban: How does any rural people find the right guy/gal?
It is a long standing fact that rural dating is much harder than urban dating. They have a much smaller dating pool. In fact, it's amazing to me that anyone living in a rural area finds someone to marry. I have asked out more women then guys that live in a rural area meet during their entire life time. How can they ever hope to get married?
First of all, throughout most of the world, the marriage and divorce rates are much higher in urban areas as compared to rural ones (Source - UN stats - but doesn't compare USA rural vs urban). This is not surprising at all - it is easier to find a person to marry in a big city, but at the same time, you get more temptation and generally make enough money to afford a divorce. In addition, rural areas tend to be more conservative and therefore more likely to discourage divorce.
In America however, that has changed. The monetary problems and conservative stigma against divorce prejudices has mostly vanished. Women can easily get jobs and no one looks at them funny when they say they are divorced.
In the most recent census, divorce rates are pretty much the same in rural vs urban areas (Source = examine the graphic chart). Honestly, this just indicates to me that people in both the rural and urban environments have the same resources to survive divorce and also the same ability to judge if the relationship will last.
Getting information about marriage rates is much harder than divorce rates. From what I can tell, they are similar in the USA. That is pretty shocking to me.
WHY???
How do people in a rural environment ever find and meet someone they want to marry at all, let alone someone they are willing to stay with, as opposed to divorcing. If I have had such a problem, how do they do it with such a tiny dating pool?
Well, I think there are several factors helping them.
They come from a similar culture. Everyone went to the same schools, work in the same place, do the same things for fun. Those that don't fit in, move away from the rural environment. Cities are not like this - we have a mis-mash of more cultures. Even if you are in Kansas City, while you might not have the foreign immigrants, you have some people that love comic books while others think they are devil's handiwork. Some people that like to get drunk, others that despise the drunkards. Cities have more variety, which makes it harder to find someone with similar goals and interests.
But that's not all of it. In addition, there is the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) effect. In a rural area, you know your dating pool is limited. You know exactly how many people you went to school with and exactly how many of them are totally undateable. You also know right off the bat all the flaws of the pretty people. Everyone knows the beauty queens and the wealthy men - and which ones are dumb as a post, which ones are alcoholics, which ones screw anything that moves.
In effect, you cease to judge solely based on the shallow stuff and are forced to look beyond it to the more important things.
In the city, there are too many beautiful people. It takes too long to figure out their flaws. As such you always think there is someone better out there for you - because you see them all the time on the street and don't have time to get to know their flaws.
The thing is you still end up seriously dating the same number of people. Oh, some of the city folk go on more one night stands, but a serious attempt to date takes time as in months, so the limit is not how many people you meet but instead how many hours you have available to date.
As such, both rural and urban people should tend go on the same number of serious dates before marriage, and have the same degree of success. In both cases, people end up selecting the best out of a rather small pool of people they dated.
The rural people pick their dates from a smaller pool that they know better and have similar cultures. The urban people pick from a larger pool that they know less well from a larger variety of cultures.
For the mathematically inclined, think of it as a bell curve, with a set compatibility level which happens to be the average + standard deviation. The rural people start out a bit higher on mean compatibility, but have a much smaller standard deviation. The urban people start out a bit lower on mean compatibility, but have a much larger standard deviation. But both differences cancel out at about the same point.
That is, the big rural mean + the small rural standard deviation = the smaller urban mean + the larger urban deviation. End result, both rural and urban end up with the same compatibility levels.
A perfect world would have the innate cultural compatibility plus extensive deep knowledge of the rural environments with the larger dating pool of the urban environment. Unfortunately the large dating pool is exactly the thing that prevents the cultural compatibility and in depth knowledge. That is, the larger the group, the less similar, and the less you know about all individuals.
Theoretically the internet could solve this problem - if we could find a way to enforce truthfulness and measure the deep inner workings of the human mind.
First of all, throughout most of the world, the marriage and divorce rates are much higher in urban areas as compared to rural ones (Source - UN stats - but doesn't compare USA rural vs urban). This is not surprising at all - it is easier to find a person to marry in a big city, but at the same time, you get more temptation and generally make enough money to afford a divorce. In addition, rural areas tend to be more conservative and therefore more likely to discourage divorce.
In America however, that has changed. The monetary problems and conservative stigma against divorce prejudices has mostly vanished. Women can easily get jobs and no one looks at them funny when they say they are divorced.
In the most recent census, divorce rates are pretty much the same in rural vs urban areas (Source = examine the graphic chart). Honestly, this just indicates to me that people in both the rural and urban environments have the same resources to survive divorce and also the same ability to judge if the relationship will last.
Getting information about marriage rates is much harder than divorce rates. From what I can tell, they are similar in the USA. That is pretty shocking to me.
WHY???
How do people in a rural environment ever find and meet someone they want to marry at all, let alone someone they are willing to stay with, as opposed to divorcing. If I have had such a problem, how do they do it with such a tiny dating pool?
Well, I think there are several factors helping them.
They come from a similar culture. Everyone went to the same schools, work in the same place, do the same things for fun. Those that don't fit in, move away from the rural environment. Cities are not like this - we have a mis-mash of more cultures. Even if you are in Kansas City, while you might not have the foreign immigrants, you have some people that love comic books while others think they are devil's handiwork. Some people that like to get drunk, others that despise the drunkards. Cities have more variety, which makes it harder to find someone with similar goals and interests.
But that's not all of it. In addition, there is the BBD (Bigger Better Deal) effect. In a rural area, you know your dating pool is limited. You know exactly how many people you went to school with and exactly how many of them are totally undateable. You also know right off the bat all the flaws of the pretty people. Everyone knows the beauty queens and the wealthy men - and which ones are dumb as a post, which ones are alcoholics, which ones screw anything that moves.
In effect, you cease to judge solely based on the shallow stuff and are forced to look beyond it to the more important things.
In the city, there are too many beautiful people. It takes too long to figure out their flaws. As such you always think there is someone better out there for you - because you see them all the time on the street and don't have time to get to know their flaws.
The thing is you still end up seriously dating the same number of people. Oh, some of the city folk go on more one night stands, but a serious attempt to date takes time as in months, so the limit is not how many people you meet but instead how many hours you have available to date.
As such, both rural and urban people should tend go on the same number of serious dates before marriage, and have the same degree of success. In both cases, people end up selecting the best out of a rather small pool of people they dated.
The rural people pick their dates from a smaller pool that they know better and have similar cultures. The urban people pick from a larger pool that they know less well from a larger variety of cultures.
For the mathematically inclined, think of it as a bell curve, with a set compatibility level which happens to be the average + standard deviation. The rural people start out a bit higher on mean compatibility, but have a much smaller standard deviation. The urban people start out a bit lower on mean compatibility, but have a much larger standard deviation. But both differences cancel out at about the same point.
That is, the big rural mean + the small rural standard deviation = the smaller urban mean + the larger urban deviation. End result, both rural and urban end up with the same compatibility levels.
A perfect world would have the innate cultural compatibility plus extensive deep knowledge of the rural environments with the larger dating pool of the urban environment. Unfortunately the large dating pool is exactly the thing that prevents the cultural compatibility and in depth knowledge. That is, the larger the group, the less similar, and the less you know about all individuals.
Theoretically the internet could solve this problem - if we could find a way to enforce truthfulness and measure the deep inner workings of the human mind.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
League - in/out?
"She's out of your league"
(Or he, the concept is not gender specific.)
That expression is very revealing. First of all, it's all about the shallow. You never hear "She's out of your League" when talking about an ugly, but incredibly nice girl. Similarly, you don't hear that about poor, short men. I don't care how nice the guy is.
So, when someone says "out of your league", it means:
Now, it's OK to be shallow. But it's not OK to only be shallow. You need more.
The concept of "out of your league" is at heart an extremely cynical, shallow idea.
I want more - for me and everyone else.
When someone uses that phrase I lose respect for them.
Every single person should think no one is out of their league. More importantly, it is true - as long as your potential date is not shallow.
(Or he, the concept is not gender specific.)
That expression is very revealing. First of all, it's all about the shallow. You never hear "She's out of your League" when talking about an ugly, but incredibly nice girl. Similarly, you don't hear that about poor, short men. I don't care how nice the guy is.
So, when someone says "out of your league", it means:
- The person speaking it is pretty shallow
- They think the attractive person is just as shallow.
- They are surprised you are not as shallow.
Now, it's OK to be shallow. But it's not OK to only be shallow. You need more.
The concept of "out of your league" is at heart an extremely cynical, shallow idea.
I want more - for me and everyone else.
When someone uses that phrase I lose respect for them.
Every single person should think no one is out of their league. More importantly, it is true - as long as your potential date is not shallow.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Nine major reasons why people Divorced
The following are the top ten reasons why people get a divorce. When seeking a first date, I advice AVOIDING these problems now. Don't date to get divorced, dude.
My Sources:
(India source)
Scientific
Psychiatrist's reasons
Note some of these problems get 'reverse blamed' in the court of public opinion, particularly if the person with the real problem dealt with it poorly. Stop trying to blame people, instead avoid the problem in the first place. Among other things, I am a big believer in sharing the blame. People don't start cheating on you out of the blue - they either were always a scumbag or you have been ignoring their needs. Same with fighting over money. He may be a cheap SOB, but that makes you a spendthrift. Worse, you both should have known this before you got married. Don't marry, cripes, don't even date someone that isn't acceptable to you in the first 8 categories (9 is hard to measure before it happens).
So let's talk about how you know before hand.
#1 is fairly easy. Talk to them. Not just about the easy stuff, but about the hard stuff. The emotional stuff.
#2 is generally best figured out with experience. But you can start out by being more honest - and talking about sex before you do it. Generally a woman has to initiate this conversation, otherwise the guy comes off as creepy.
#3, also via experience. Do you have fun with them - when they are sober. Drinking often makes people think they are enjoying themselves but aren't really.
#4 - ask your date to name some small thing that pisses them off. If you do them, reconsider. I.E. neat freaks should not even date messy people - not if you are considering marriage.
#5 Ask the date if they think X amount of money is too a good vacation, bad vacation, or just OK.
#6 and #7. If they don't want to commit, don't try to force them. No tricks, just leave. Also make sure they actually can commit.
#8. If you are not on the same page for children, don't go ahead without the other person.
#9 is a bit of a luck, but if you find someone that is in a shell, don't be surprised if they break out.
- Poor communication. If you want to get married, quit your job and raise a family, tell them that BEFORE you get married.
- "Sexual incompatibilities" That is, if you can't satisfy each other's desires sexually, it won't matter. You both need to be attracted to each other at a bare minimum - so if one of you gains weight, it can cause a divorce. If one of you likes feet, the other better like getting their feet massaged. Some people want sex with many partners. Such a person needs to find someone willing to accept that. Or not get married at all.
- Compatibility. I.e. you have to actually LIKE the person. Enjoy spending time with them. Even if you find them acceptable, you can't be bored with them or you will divorced
- Low Tolerance and Rigidity. I.e. you can't dislike the person's habits - especially if you have the same habit. If two people both want to be in charge, that won't work. If one person snores, and the other wants a good nights sleep they better be willing to sleep in separate bed rooms. That also means your preferred jobs/religions/cultures do not cause problems.
- Money. Money differences are a big one. If one person is marrying the other for money, that money better be enough. If one person spends a lot and the other saves, that will cause problems.
- Unwilling to Commit. You need to both be willing to work at the marriage. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint and you need to work on it all the time.
- Not capable of the commitment - because of illness, addiction, or abusive personality.
- Children are a whole other level of commitment. Think of it as commitment squared. You need to spend so much time and money on them so it will make Money and Commitment problems even worse .
- Personal growth. People grow as time goes by. You may become bored with something or someone you used to enjoy.
My Sources:
(India source)
Scientific
Psychiatrist's reasons
Note some of these problems get 'reverse blamed' in the court of public opinion, particularly if the person with the real problem dealt with it poorly. Stop trying to blame people, instead avoid the problem in the first place. Among other things, I am a big believer in sharing the blame. People don't start cheating on you out of the blue - they either were always a scumbag or you have been ignoring their needs. Same with fighting over money. He may be a cheap SOB, but that makes you a spendthrift. Worse, you both should have known this before you got married. Don't marry, cripes, don't even date someone that isn't acceptable to you in the first 8 categories (9 is hard to measure before it happens).
So let's talk about how you know before hand.
#1 is fairly easy. Talk to them. Not just about the easy stuff, but about the hard stuff. The emotional stuff.
#2 is generally best figured out with experience. But you can start out by being more honest - and talking about sex before you do it. Generally a woman has to initiate this conversation, otherwise the guy comes off as creepy.
#3, also via experience. Do you have fun with them - when they are sober. Drinking often makes people think they are enjoying themselves but aren't really.
#4 - ask your date to name some small thing that pisses them off. If you do them, reconsider. I.E. neat freaks should not even date messy people - not if you are considering marriage.
#5 Ask the date if they think X amount of money is too a good vacation, bad vacation, or just OK.
#6 and #7. If they don't want to commit, don't try to force them. No tricks, just leave. Also make sure they actually can commit.
#8. If you are not on the same page for children, don't go ahead without the other person.
#9 is a bit of a luck, but if you find someone that is in a shell, don't be surprised if they break out.
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