How to be Great at Sex

There are thousands of books that try to teach people how to be good at sex.  Don't waste your money, they all suffer from a single flaw.  Instead, just read this blog post.   It contains all you need to know about how to be great at sex.

Those books are not worth it for a single reason - human beings are not clones.   We are all different from each other.    Not a little bit, a HUGE amount.  Some like being dominant, some like being submissive, some like things fast and rough, some like it slow and sensual.  Some like to play dress up, some like it in the dark.  People like butts, navels, breasts,  elbows, necks, lips,  and even toes.

It doesn't matter if you are the best toe sucker in the universe if your mate doesn't like having their toes sucked.  Worse there are too many different skills to learn, no one can learn everything, and more importantly, you can't just look at someone and know which skill to use. 

Trust me, you can't just assume that your next lover wants the same thing as your last, even if you happen to be particularly good at oral.   There are people that don't like receiving oral, and it is your fault for doing it without asking first.

All of this means that it is not your responsibility to get your partner off the first time. At least not until you have been with them for quite some time.  Years even.  This goes for men as well as woman.  If anyone fakes an orgasm, it's their own fault, not an insult to their partner.

Instead, the secret to being good at sex is just three simple rules:

1. Know what makes you orgasm.
2. Know how to get your partner to do what makes you orgasm.
3. Know how to get your partner to tell you what makes them orgasm.

I know, the first two rules seem selfish, but they are an essential part of being good at sex.  If you can not get yourself to orgasm, then you will never be good at sex.  If you can't get your partner to do it, you won't be good at sex.

Numbers 2 and 3 are both about communication.   It doesn't have to be verbal.  Some people can do it with non-verbal signals.  But talking works fine.  Whether it is explicit, raunchy dirty talk, or simply using "Green", "Yellow", and "Red" to indicate "YES", "Almost good", and "Don't bother".   Some people prefer an emailed 'after action report'.

If you and your partner use these three secrets, then in a very short time  your partner will think you are Great At Sex.  If you don't do this, it will takes years of patient observation (if ever), to learn how to get your partner off.  

Single again in 2019

I am single again in 2019.  I have met lots of women and had some great times with them over the past 8 years, but I am still single.

Part of it is things beyond my control.  I am now the proud possessor of four kidneys (two from the original equipment manufacturer, and two from a saint who grew up in my neighbor hood and died way too young), plus a host of other medical issues related to the procedure.   And those medical issues make employment almost impossible.   Women don't like dating a sick, unemployed man, no matter how much money he has in the bank.  Especially when he can't go dancing for another couple of months.

But part of it is my own fault as well.  Most of the women I dated over the past 8 years I dumped.  And not for good enough reasons.   Several woman I should have pursued harder, been more honest about the things I found lacking in their relationship.

I should have told one that I did not like the fact that I met her parents, but she never introduced me to hers.  

I should have been more specific about the sex I wanted.  This issue is very important, so here is a short lesson to all men and women:

Being good at sex means being good at giving yourself an orgasm.   There is no way anyone, male or female can know how to give someone else an orgasm without months of study.   If your partner does not give you an orgasm, then it is usually YOUR fault, not theirs.  Either:

a) You have not learned yourself how to give yourself an orgasm.

or
b)  You were too shy to tell them what to do.

Propriety goes out the window when you take off your clothes.  Tell your partner want you want.    Or don't get naked with them in the first place..

I should not have asked out several women that I was not physically attracted too.  While I do recommend lowering your shallow standards, moderation is best in all things.  

Conversely, there are several women I should have asked out that I did not have the courage to do, or did too late.   Delay is never a good idea.  Get her phone number the day you meet her, ask her out within a week.  For women, GIVE him your phone number if you have any interest - and if you can not make it the day he asks for then make an offer yourself.   Best way to tell him it really is a problem with timing, rather than your desires.

Dating a younger woman: Because she said Yes.

Last week I went on a date with a woman young enough to be my daughter.  She was 18 years younger than me.

First, the date didn't work out.   Maybe the gap was too large.  Maybe the age was fine, and it was our personalities.   But that's not really relevant.  The real question is why I went on the date in the first pretty.


Was because she was pretty?  No (but she was).
Was it because she was innocent/easy to manipulate?  No. (she was intelligent and insightful, not easily manipulated).

I went out with her because she said YES.

In that same week I had sent out over 30 emails, to women ranging from 53 to 29.  Only the 29 year old said yes.  I am 47, and hadn't been on a date in over a month.  So I took her for brunch.

I'm not some douche-bag trying to get laid.  I want marriage.  Nor am I ugly, per se, but I am short enough that most women do not feel  "chemistry".  Maybe it's my fault I can't get a date with a woman my age.   But I am not rude, trying to take advantage of anyone, or looking for just sex.  It's not the first time I date someone that young, and it might not be the last.

But I don't go looking for women that young.  Often I don't know their age when I ask them out.

Maybe the 29 year old was only looking for a free brunch (Gabriela's on the UWS has a great Mexican brunch, by the way.)   But she was willing to date me, and none of the other women gave me the time of day.   Frankly, I am too lonely to turn down an attractive woman that says yes.  If I go months without a date, then some young lady agrees to have brunch with me, damn right I am going to say yes.

If I do end up dating a woman young enough to be my daughter, it won't be because I went looking for her. It will simply mean I got tired of being alone, rejected by women my own age.

So when you ask yourself why those men date  younger women, part of the answer is almost always "because she said yes." 

I've Wasted My Life!

No you haven't.

Just thought I'd start out with that.

The fear that you have wasted your life is incredibly common, particularly among non-parents.  If you are a parent, you usually realize that your children are your legacy.   If you don't have children, it's harder to believe in your own legacy.

Part of the problem is we compare ourselves to others we see on the news.  We didn't start a major up and coming corporation, we didn't become President, or even Governor.  We didn't make some grand new scientific discovery.


But consider the person that wholeheartedly researches a scientific theory and proves it false.  He gets no accolades.  He was just as smart as the guy that by pure luck choose the right theory to test.  Yes - it was luck.  If he knew it was right before he tested it then someone else already did the important research and proved it right.   It just turned out that by pure chance that his theory was false - and also did not by pure puck provide evidence indicating the true theory to be investigated later.

He worked just as hard, thought just as much (and as well), but by pure luck failed to pick the right theory to investigate.

He doesn't get the credit, but his work is also just as important.  Only by doing the research and discovering that the theory did not work did mankind learn the truth.

His work saved someone else from having to investigate the false theory.  It freed other people up to investigate other theories that may turn out to be accurate.


And so many many people have hidden issues.  Yes, Einstein became an incredible scientist.  He also had a horrible family life (in part due to his popularity with the ladies- http://www.nbcnews.com/id/13804030/ns/technology_and_science-science/t/new-letters-shed-light-einsteins-love-life/ )

The far majority of people NEVER do earth shattering work.  Some may never raise a child.  That doesn't mean you wasted your life.   If you worked a job - even a "meaningless" one, you have contributed to society. 

The guy that placed the first brick is at heart just as important as the guy that placed the last one.  Similarly, the people that made the brick, tested the brick, moved the brick, tracked the brick, advertised the brick, bought the brick, or simply fed those other people ALL contributed to the brick.

I have seen very few people actually waste their life.   What we do as a group depends on many little things, and those of us that do them COUNT.

Rule about not dating people from...

Every once in a while I will run into someone that has a rule about not dating people from X.

Sometimes X = work, other times it is a major hobby - such as dance.

I disrespect these people on so many levels.

First of all, it indicates they are immature.  They can't handle a break up like an adult.   I've had bad break ups before, but never something I couldn't handle.  If you are the kind of person that treats someone like that you have far more serious issues.  Worse, if you can't tell that your date is someone like that - and stop it after one date - then your judgement is so bad you will never date right.  More importantly, Tango at least has more than enough venues that you can both dance and never see each other. 

Worse, a lot of people join their hobby in part to get a date.   Normal people want someone that shares an interest.  Do you know how many unhappy couples desperately wish their significant other shared at least one of their interests?

If I had my way, I would ONLY date people from dance. Unfortunately the community is not big enough to do that, I have to widen my search. 


Work makes a little bit more sense - it's harder to change jobs than to change hobbies.   But even so, some people put so much of their life into work, that it is a ridiculous rule.  

Most importantly, it is about priorities.   When someone says they don't date people from X, they are putting X ahead of dating - and therefore ahead of marriage (assuming they want to end up marrying someone they dated).

Why would anyone want to date you if you aren't putting the date above all other considerations?   Would you marry someone that put work ahead of you?  That put dancing ahead of you?

No.  

Put Marriage - and therefore Dating first.   Get rid of rules about not dating people from....

Friend Zone

No person likes the Friend Zone.   We dread the words "I rather be friends", or the slightly more accurate "I'd rather just be friends"

The question is why?

Friends are good things.  Honestly, I want more friends, at least real ones.  Good ones are hard to find.

The problems is actually the word "just".  

When people say they want to be friends, they are actually saying they don't want to be anything MORE than friends. 

And honestly it is very rare that they mean they actually want to be friends.   Usually the "lets' be friends" people don't want to really be friends.   They say it because they are too cowardly to say goodbye.  Worse, if it is really true that they want to be friends but not more than friends., than it usually means they like you but don't want to have sex with you.  In other words, they find you sexually unattractive.   Ugly.

That's why people don't like the friend zone.  Too often it is a lie.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

 I have had three serious relationships with women.  One of them I am still friends with.  Let's call her "A".  "A" and I worked hard at keeping the friendship alive - in part by going on a trip together after we broke up.  It took both of us willing to take chances.

It also helped that we had a lot in common besides sex.   The other two relationships (M & S) had less in common.  I'm not saying we couldn't be friends.  Just that "A" and I have far more in common (outside of the bedroom) than I had with either M or S.  Honestly M was mostly about the bedroom, which is why it didn't work out. 

Friends are good.  You can't go wrong if you look for friends first.  But you want more than just friendship for a relationship. You need a bit of sexual attractiveness, compatible desires for sex, and compatible long term goals.

You can be friends with someone that wants children if you don't want them.  But you can not marry them. 

Note however that when Long Term Relationships issues are what keep you from dating, no one talks about being just friends.   We talk about wanting different things.

My advice to people is simple.  If someone wants to just be friends, then you need to figure out if sexual attractiveness is the problem, or if the comment just be friends is a cowardly lie.  You might need to work at being more attractive.  There is nothing wrong in sprucing yourself up - either physically or mentally.

If it's a cowardly lie, well, I can't help you much there.

The Magic Words That Save a Relationship

There are magic words that save a relationship.  The basic concept is the same for both men and women, with a slightly different emphasis.  They should be said at least a couple of times a year.

No, I'm not talking about "I love you."   Nor Please.  Those need to be said more than a couple of times a year, and they don't magically save a relationship.


Instead they are versions of "You are/were right, I am wrong."

If you are a man, the best phrasing is  "Honey, you know more about this than I do, so let's do it your way."

The female version is "Dear, you were right, I'm sorry I insisted on doing it my way."


The reason is that most men tend to think the women never admit they are wrong and that most women tend to think that men don't value their opinions.   Your particular situation may vary, and you may want to vary the phrasing, but the main point is you need to be able to tell your partner that they are/were correct and that you know that.