Youth gets wasted

Youth is an illusion.   It gives you the impression that life is going to continue the same forever.  After all, it has been pretty much the same since you remember.

Why not have fun while you can?  Well, honestly, if you find the right person, it will be a lot more fun.  Even finding someone that is close to the right person will be more fun.   But most importantly, you may be setting yourself up for a failure later in life.  I did.

It is only with age that you realize life changes - and somehow it seems to always get worse.  As you get older, you realize your body is slowly failing.    Eventually you come to the realization that you are that old guy you used to make fun of.  In many ways, it is worse for women.

But honestly, it's not true that it always gets worse.  In some ways it gets better.  You earn wisdom.  You meet wonderful people.  You learn amazing facts.  You discover talents and even pleasures you would not suspect existed.


My point is not that life gets bad.  But it does change.  You think you have forever but you don't.

So take my advice and plan ahead.  Don't look for fun.  You don't have the time.   You need to start looking for Mr. Right or Ms. Right as soon as possible. Because the longer you wait, the harder it gets.  The competition starts snatching up the good guys and gals.   Before you know it, you turn around and you are competing with boys and girls 10 years younger that are not as laize-faire about finding true love as you were.

Chances are you still won't find them right away.  Don't be surprised if you look for them for years.   You can enjoy your time with serious men/women.  It is NOT true that the worthy people are boring.  People worth marrying can be just as fun as the one night stand folk.

But it is quite possible to wait till all the good ones are taken.    Tall women do this all the time.  They fail to understand that tall men are at a huge premium and get snatched up in five years.  They turn around and find all the good tall men taken by the time they are 25 and start lowering their standards (but not for height...).

Men have a different problem.  We live our lives dating attractive women and suddenly the women we are attracted to start calling us dirty old men.


Don't make that mistake.  If you want to marry someone worthy of you you have to start looking EARLY.    You need to snatch them up before they meet someone almost as good as you.

More about liars

I saw an interesting talk (on hulu) given by Pamela Meyers about lieing. http://www.hulu.com/watch/289199/tedtalks-pamela-meyer-how-to-spot-a-liar

In the past I have said that people are more truthful than most people think.  I still think that is true.  Pamela includes "No, you don't look fat in that dress" as a lie.   I agree, if you include all of those white lies and similar weak things, you get a lot of liars.

I accept small lies in a relationship.  You should too.  You shouldn't complain about makeup as 'lies'.  Saying you object to liars is most often a way to hide the fact that you are angry that the lie wasn't true.  You don't really care about your date lying, you care about them not living up ridiculous standards.



Train lie spotters are about 94% accurate  Untrained is about 54%.  So here are some helpful hints on how to spot a lie.  First is what they say:

1. Formal, not informal.  I didn't have sex with that women is likely true.  I did not have sex with that woman was a lie
2. Distance from subject.  She is true, That Woman is a lie.
3. Qualifying language.  I did not send her that particular photo.  I did not go on a date with her to the movie.  Instead I sent her a different photo and went to a different movie.
4. Excess detail.   I went to the 5:40 showing of Moneyball, is a lie.  I went to a movie is the truth.
5. Everything in strict chronological order, but can't repeat it backwards means it was memorized rather than experienced.

Body language:

1. Liars freeze.   They are trying to trick you.  Truth-tellers fidget.  They don't know what is going on. 
2. Liars look you in the eye.  Truth-tellers look away. Ignore the "look one direction bullshit" found in movies)
3. Liars smile with their mouth.  Truth-tellers smile with their eyes as well as their mouth.
4. Body contradicts voice (because we don't practice body movements).  Liars shake their head side to side when they say yes and nod their head up and down when they say no.

Attitude:

1. honest people are cooperative.  They agree to speculate about who did things, agree to act out stuff.  They don't think they are a real suspect because they know they didn't do it.   Liars refuse to help, are expecting a trap.
2. Honest people get angry when they are falsely accused and stay that way throughout the interview.  Liars get angry but eventually stop being angry.  They knew they were going to be accused and expected it.

Note, most of those things do not work when talking about small lies - your weight and height.   That is, dates don't become formal, don't get distant, don't use excessive detail, etc.  If you accuse them of lying, everyone gets angry and stay angry.

But they will work on cheaters.

Of course, there is a problem worse than the lies.  It is the push you need to do to even attempt to figure out the lies. The only way to get there is to be the bastard. 

So by trying to figure out if they are cheating on them, you may treat an innocent person worse than they treated you.

How to be Great at Sex

There are thousands of books that try to teach people how to be good at sex.  Don't waste your money, they all suffer from a single flaw.  Instead, just read this blog post.   It contains all you need to know about how to be great at sex.

Those books are not worth it for a single reason - human beings are not clones.   We are all different from each other.    Not a little bit, a HUGE amount.  Some like being dominant, some like being submissive, some like things fast and rough, some like it slow and sensual.  Some like to play dress up, some like it in the dark.  People like butts, navels, breasts,  elbows, necks, lips,  and even toes.

It doesn't matter if you are the best toe sucker in the universe if your mate doesn't like having their toes sucked.  Worse there are too many different skills to learn, no one can learn everything, and more importantly, you can't just look at someone and know which skill to use. 

Trust me, you can't just assume that your next lover wants the same thing as your last, even if you happen to be particularly good at oral.   There are people that don't like receiving oral, and it is your fault for doing it without asking first.

All of this means that it is not your responsibility to get your partner off the first time. At least not until you have been with them for quite some time.  Years even.  This goes for men as well as woman.  If anyone fakes an orgasm, it's their own fault, not an insult to their partner.

Instead, the secret to being good at sex is just three simple rules:

1. Know what makes you orgasm.
2. Know how to get your partner to do what makes you orgasm.
3. Know how to get your partner to tell you what makes them orgasm.

I know, the first two rules seem selfish, but they are an essential part of being good at sex.  If you can not get yourself to orgasm, then you will never be good at sex.  If you can't get your partner to do it, you won't be good at sex.

Numbers 2 and 3 are both about communication.   It doesn't have to be verbal.  Some people can do it with non-verbal signals.  But talking works fine.  Whether it is explicit, raunchy dirty talk, or simply using "Green", "Yellow", and "Red" to indicate "YES", "Almost good", and "Don't bother".   Some people prefer an emailed 'after action report'.

If you and your partner use these three secrets, then in a very short time  your partner will think you are Great At Sex.  If you don't do this, it will takes years of patient observation (if ever), to learn how to get your partner off.  

Single again in 2019

I am single again in 2019.  I have met lots of women and had some great times with them over the past 8 years, but I am still single.

Part of it is things beyond my control.  I am now the proud possessor of four kidneys (two from the original equipment manufacturer, and two from a saint who grew up in my neighbor hood and died way too young), plus a host of other medical issues related to the procedure.   And those medical issues make employment almost impossible.   Women don't like dating a sick, unemployed man, no matter how much money he has in the bank.  Especially when he can't go dancing for another couple of months.

But part of it is my own fault as well.  Most of the women I dated over the past 8 years I dumped.  And not for good enough reasons.   Several woman I should have pursued harder, been more honest about the things I found lacking in their relationship.

I should have told one that I did not like the fact that I met her parents, but she never introduced me to hers.  

I should have been more specific about the sex I wanted.  This issue is very important, so here is a short lesson to all men and women:

Being good at sex means being good at giving yourself an orgasm.   There is no way anyone, male or female can know how to give someone else an orgasm without months of study.   If your partner does not give you an orgasm, then it is usually YOUR fault, not theirs.  Either:

a) You have not learned yourself how to give yourself an orgasm.

or
b)  You were too shy to tell them what to do.

Propriety goes out the window when you take off your clothes.  Tell your partner want you want.    Or don't get naked with them in the first place..

I should not have asked out several women that I was not physically attracted too.  While I do recommend lowering your shallow standards, moderation is best in all things.  

Conversely, there are several women I should have asked out that I did not have the courage to do, or did too late.   Delay is never a good idea.  Get her phone number the day you meet her, ask her out within a week.  For women, GIVE him your phone number if you have any interest - and if you can not make it the day he asks for then make an offer yourself.   Best way to tell him it really is a problem with timing, rather than your desires.

Dating a younger woman: Because she said Yes.

Last week I went on a date with a woman young enough to be my daughter.  She was 18 years younger than me.

First, the date didn't work out.   Maybe the gap was too large.  Maybe the age was fine, and it was our personalities.   But that's not really relevant.  The real question is why I went on the date in the first pretty.


Was because she was pretty?  No (but she was).
Was it because she was innocent/easy to manipulate?  No. (she was intelligent and insightful, not easily manipulated).

I went out with her because she said YES.

In that same week I had sent out over 30 emails, to women ranging from 53 to 29.  Only the 29 year old said yes.  I am 47, and hadn't been on a date in over a month.  So I took her for brunch.

I'm not some douche-bag trying to get laid.  I want marriage.  Nor am I ugly, per se, but I am short enough that most women do not feel  "chemistry".  Maybe it's my fault I can't get a date with a woman my age.   But I am not rude, trying to take advantage of anyone, or looking for just sex.  It's not the first time I date someone that young, and it might not be the last.

But I don't go looking for women that young.  Often I don't know their age when I ask them out.

Maybe the 29 year old was only looking for a free brunch (Gabriela's on the UWS has a great Mexican brunch, by the way.)   But she was willing to date me, and none of the other women gave me the time of day.   Frankly, I am too lonely to turn down an attractive woman that says yes.  If I go months without a date, then some young lady agrees to have brunch with me, damn right I am going to say yes.

If I do end up dating a woman young enough to be my daughter, it won't be because I went looking for her. It will simply mean I got tired of being alone, rejected by women my own age.

So when you ask yourself why those men date  younger women, part of the answer is almost always "because she said yes." 

I've Wasted My Life!

No you haven't.

Just thought I'd start out with that.

The fear that you have wasted your life is incredibly common, particularly among non-parents.  If you are a parent, you usually realize that your children are your legacy.   If you don't have children, it's harder to believe in your own legacy.

Part of the problem is we compare ourselves to others we see on the news.  We didn't start a major up and coming corporation, we didn't become President, or even Governor.  We didn't make some grand new scientific discovery.


But consider the person that wholeheartedly researches a scientific theory and proves it false.  He gets no accolades.  He was just as smart as the guy that by pure luck choose the right theory to test.  Yes - it was luck.  If he knew it was right before he tested it then someone else already did the important research and proved it right.   It just turned out that by pure chance that his theory was false - and also did not by pure puck provide evidence indicating the true theory to be investigated later.

He worked just as hard, thought just as much (and as well), but by pure luck failed to pick the right theory to investigate.

He doesn't get the credit, but his work is also just as important.  Only by doing the research and discovering that the theory did not work did mankind learn the truth.

His work saved someone else from having to investigate the false theory.  It freed other people up to investigate other theories that may turn out to be accurate.


And so many many people have hidden issues.  Yes, Einstein became an incredible scientist.  He also had a horrible family life (in part due to his popularity with the ladies- http://www.nbcnews.com/id/13804030/ns/technology_and_science-science/t/new-letters-shed-light-einsteins-love-life/ )

The far majority of people NEVER do earth shattering work.  Some may never raise a child.  That doesn't mean you wasted your life.   If you worked a job - even a "meaningless" one, you have contributed to society. 

The guy that placed the first brick is at heart just as important as the guy that placed the last one.  Similarly, the people that made the brick, tested the brick, moved the brick, tracked the brick, advertised the brick, bought the brick, or simply fed those other people ALL contributed to the brick.

I have seen very few people actually waste their life.   What we do as a group depends on many little things, and those of us that do them COUNT.

Rule about not dating people from...

Every once in a while I will run into someone that has a rule about not dating people from X.

Sometimes X = work, other times it is a major hobby - such as dance.

I disrespect these people on so many levels.

First of all, it indicates they are immature.  They can't handle a break up like an adult.   I've had bad break ups before, but never something I couldn't handle.  If you are the kind of person that treats someone like that you have far more serious issues.  Worse, if you can't tell that your date is someone like that - and stop it after one date - then your judgement is so bad you will never date right.  More importantly, Tango at least has more than enough venues that you can both dance and never see each other. 

Worse, a lot of people join their hobby in part to get a date.   Normal people want someone that shares an interest.  Do you know how many unhappy couples desperately wish their significant other shared at least one of their interests?

If I had my way, I would ONLY date people from dance. Unfortunately the community is not big enough to do that, I have to widen my search. 


Work makes a little bit more sense - it's harder to change jobs than to change hobbies.   But even so, some people put so much of their life into work, that it is a ridiculous rule.  

Most importantly, it is about priorities.   When someone says they don't date people from X, they are putting X ahead of dating - and therefore ahead of marriage (assuming they want to end up marrying someone they dated).

Why would anyone want to date you if you aren't putting the date above all other considerations?   Would you marry someone that put work ahead of you?  That put dancing ahead of you?

No.  

Put Marriage - and therefore Dating first.   Get rid of rules about not dating people from....