Confidence

I have been dating for a long time, always looking for Ms. Right.  I have used on-line dating services, human matchmakers, friends, family, etc.  I have also read a lot about dating.  

Probably the most common thing that people tell a man trying to date is:

"Be confident".

At first I accepted this, but the more experienced I became, the more and more I learned to despise this phrase.

First, it is about as helpful as telling someone they should become rich.  Confidence is a mental state, not something easy to become.  It is easier for a person to become rich than it is to become confident - it takes less time, less effort, and there is much more valid advice about how to become rich.

Second, it is an insult.  Hence the title of this blog.  By telling someone they need to be confident, you are stating they were not already confident.  I have seen the most confident men in the world get shot down, while people that don't have the guts to ask a stranger out without a shot of chemical courage, pick her up easily - after they get that drink.


Third, it is not true.  You see, most people (men and women) are not very good at judging others emotions and mental states.   That's how con men make a living.   More importantly, most pickups occur either online or with the aid of alcohol.  I don't care if you are Dr. Cal Lightman (Lie To Me), The Martian Manhunter (telepathic superhero), and Deanna Troi (Star Trek, Next Generation), all rolled into one, there is no way you will be able to pick up on the mental state of someone from emails or while drunk.  In general, women will not be able to tell if you are confident, at least not until after you are on a date.

Now that does not mean that all the "Be Confident" advice is totally worthless.  Instead, the advice has  been poorly worded.   When people tell someone to "Be Confident", they really mean "Be Suave".  

This is not a meaningless distinction.  Telling someone to be confident and they work real hard at being confident - and fail.   Like I said, it is hard to be confident. 

It is much easier to be suave.   Suave means "smooth, cool, agreeable and sophisticated".  You just need to:

1.  Limit the expression of emotions.  It's alright to be happy or sad, but don't show it.  You are serene and tranquil.   You don't care if the girl says no, you don't care if she says yes.  If she says something you disagree with, don't argue with her, gloss over the disagreement.  Don't let  her know that you really like her a lot.

2.  Do not qualify your words.   Everything is definite, with specifics - but not demanding (remember limit the expression of emotions).  There is no maybe, no perhaps.  No "If you like, we could maybe go out sometime."  Instead, it is "I know a great steak place on 50th and 7th.  Are you free 7 PM Sunday?".  If the time, place or food doesn't suit her, but she still wants to date you, she will give a counter offer.

3.  Do not exaggerate, or make statements about subjects you are not very familiar with.  If she knows anything at all about the subject, you will look foolish.  Instead, ask questions and/or try to smoothly shift the subject to something you know a lot about.

4.  You do not care about the right time, or right moment, or the perfect words.   Forget about lines, forget about waiting till a another guy is done, forget about waiting till she finishes her drink, etc.  "Hi, what's your name" within seconds of seeing someone, even after they just heard their parents died. is infinitely preferable to the best one liner at the perfect time.  Remember, you are limiting the expression of emotion, and the fact that you waited meant that you expressed too much emotion.  Note, don't interrupt her, you can wait till she takes a breath.  Also, if she is talking to another guy, be polite to him as well as her.  Talk to both of them, respond to things he says.  Everyone is working under the pretense that people are just hanging out and being sociable, not desperately trying to hook up /block each other.

Now, everything I wrote basically applies to the first couple of dates.  After that, you can start expressing emotions, qualifying words, etc.  While it may seem silly, women prefer to be picked up by a suave and smooth man, but generally don't care all that much if their boyfriend is suave and smooth.  It's mainly about conforming to a cultural fantasy about the perfect guy, even if the woman in fact would despise living with him. Men have similar issues with fantasies they would despise living through, trust me.