What people complain about

I read an article in a british web site (dailymail.co.uk article ), that listed what women complained about in their boyfriend.  From what I can tell, most of it (with slight cultural shifts) applies to women as well as men.

First, note these are things they complained about but they have NOT left their boyfriend.  So they are 'acceptable', but undesirable traits.

Many of them had to do with chores/hygiene/messiness (toilet seat up, nail clippings left out, not helping with the cooking).   No need to list them all - be neat and helpful.

There were two that I found funny (or at least hypocritical):

9. Driving like a boy racer

15. Criticizing her driving

Then there was some silly things like not multi-tasking, watching too much sports, bad dancing and snoring.

Everything above is annoying, and I would avoid them (particularly the hygiene) when you are tryin to get a date.  But they are not game killers, in part because they often say as much about the complainer as they do about the complain-ee.
 
But there were a five  significant issues: 

1. Failing to be friendly with their friends and family
2. Not getting along well with children
3. Not liking dogs
4. Being a "mommy's boy"
5. Being grumpy.

All of these traits are annoying and cause problems.  Best to avoid them.  Be friendly and make a real effort with your date's family, friends and ANY children you see.   Same goes for dogs.   Avoid being too 'wimpy' - this goes for women as well as men.  Men like a woman that can stand up and deal with the world.   Finally try to be pleasant to be around.  When you complain, people dislike you.


That said, let's take a page from British aircraft designers in WWII (they examined returning planes for bullet holes and added extra armor where no bullet holes were found - as clearly the planes that got shot in those areas did not make it back while planes that landed did not need extra armor).


Notice no mention of cheating.  If you cheat women don't put up with it as a flaw, they say goodbye.  Same for unemployment.  Those are the major ones.

Don't envy the intelligent (much)

Don't you just hate it when wealthy people complain about their problems?    They whine about how horrible it is to have all that money.  The problem is of course that it is rather easy to get rid of money.   Charity, tax,  luxury items, not to mention con men, are all perfectly happy to take your money.

While it is a bit harder to dumb yourself down than it is get rid of your money, I do not pretend that being stupid is better than intelligent.  Only an idiot would want to be stupid.  :)

That said, being intelligent is not quite as great as it sounds.   Consider that someone with an IQ of 65 is considered "defective intelligence" (source).   That's 35 points below the average and "normal" IQ of 100.   Now suppose you have an IQ 135.   The average person is that same 35 minutes below your intelligence.   They just don't understand things that are obvious to you.  Effectively you are surrounded by idiots.  (Note I would rather be called an idiot than defective. )

Ever been in traffic and had some idiot cut you off then return to his original lane?   Ever watch some fool try and fail to use a vending machine?   You know that guy at meetings that just does NOT understand anything - no matter how many times you explain it? The customer service guy that clearly knows less than you do?   The cashier that thinks a $2 bill must be counterfeit because they never saw one before? Those are just some obvious examples.  Think about having things like that going on ALL the time. 

Now, I don't want to be stupider than I am.  But being smart is not all it's cracked up to be.   Would you marry an idiot?  (See, this post does have to do with dating.)   Being smart has a lot of advantages.  You tend to earn more money, fall for less stupid tricks, and in general make slightly better decisions.  But stupider people seem to have more fun (or are at least more easily amused), and have an easier time finding someone to love.

Dating makes this issue much more obvious.   If you are only willing to date people whose IQ is over 125, you only have 6% of the population to select from.  For those of us that are very intelligent, we have a significant disadvantage.  Worse, people don't paste their IQ on their far head.  You can't even make a reliable guess based on clothing.   You have to talk to them - usually for more than 10 minutes - to figure out if they qualify.

I think that's why intelligent people do so much better at college dating than in high school dating.  Everyone around you usually has intelligence similar to yours.   This makes certain things a lot simpler.

You can't even use advanced degrees as a shortcut for intelligence.  School requires hard work more than intelligence.  I know people with (estimated) IQ's of 110 that have a doctorate, and lazy geniuses with (estimated) IQ's of over 130 that barely finished college.  Which school they went to is more important than how far they got.  People accepted into Harvard Undergraduate program are smarter than people that finish Touro Law school

Now, some people do prefer a partner that is smarter than them.   At the same time, other people prefer someone less intelligent than them.   I don't see a general trend making intelligent people either more or less desirable.  But we do have a smaller section of the population to choose from.

First Dates

Getting the date is almost 100% shallow stuff.  How do they look.  What do they say in five minutes.  What clothing they wear.   If you have ever rejected someone that asked you out you have been shallow.  That's OK ladies, the same goes for every guy that has asked out a woman.  We pick who to ask out for based on almost the exact same methodology that you use to reject us.  So if you have ever asked out a woman based on how she looks, that was being shallow.

First dates are only a little bit better.   We are talking 80-90% shallow, depending on the people.  Oh, you go a little bit beyond the basics (job, how you spend your time), but from my experience, the gorgeous people (thin women with a nice face and hair, wealthy tall men) are always the people saying no to the second date, not the ones being rejected. 

The movie/TV myth of the bad date being a total jerk is just that - a myth.   Nine out of ten times, we reject people for not liking our favorite movie/music/pet, not because they asked the waiter out in front of you.

It took me a while to figure this out.   First by recognizing it within myself, then by seeing the same stuff happen with other people.   You see, I try to not be shallow.  I date less attractive women.  But I notice that I put up a lot with attractive women - things I would dump a less attracive women for in a minute.  I try to make excuses for still liking them, but they are excuses.  It's not just me, I see it with other guys and can easily see it with women dating men.  


Part of the problem is that we put our best foot forward.  We tell white lies and deceive out dates.  Did they forget to say they 4 kids?  Did they forget to mention they live with their parents?  Did they forget to say they are unemployed? 

Not to mention a whole bunch of stuff we don't know about ourselves.  Bossy people don't think they are bossy, they think everyone else is disobedient.  As such, they can't warn you they are bossy even if they were honest enough to admit it.

Even the second dates tends to be mostly shallow stuff.   Say 60-70% of dumped on the second date are on things that your mom/dad/sister would not think worth it.

It is not till the third date that we start getting into the real core reasons not to date someone.

Now, I don't think shallow = evil.  Everyone is entitled to being shallow.  But in general, we can all try to be a little bit less shallow.  In the long run, we will be happier.

So, before you dump a guy/gal on the first (or even second) date - ask yourself - if they had a ton of other good qualities would you still date them?  What if they were rich?  What if they were thinner?   If your answer is yes, then consider going on one more date and seeing if perhaps they do have a ton of good qualities you haven't learned about yet.

What we can learn from the villains.

How is it that good men and women have such a hard time finding someone while the bad men and women have it so easy.  The bad folk have several advantages that the good ones don't. 

1. Bad folk lie.
2. Bad folk don't care about a lot of the things that the good ones do (job, pets, possible future, etc.).  They are willing to do a one night stand and never see the other person again.  If you look nice, that's enough for them, and they can see your likes right away.
3. Bad folk are willing to take more chances.   They are not as afraid of being hurt, they just go for it.

 The first one can't really steal from them.   In many ways, this is their defining characteristic.  If we lie, we become the bad folk.

The second is less black-and-white.   While we don't want to start having one night stands, one of our issues is that we get too picky.   It is possible to overlook certain negative traits that we reject perfectly good people for.  Unemployed?  So we live on less money.  Allergic to their pet?  Get shots.  Plans to move?  Cancel the move or move with them.  But these are major issues, not little ones.   We still need to find out if we are a match, but we can be a bit more generous.   Look, every single person is single for a reason.   The person without any flaws is either married, incredibly unlucky, or lying through their teeth.   Because perfect people get picked first and get married early - BEFORE they perfect their perfection.  (That is, handsome, nice, doctors get married in medical school, before they become wealthy).

The last trait however is something we can really do.   No pain, no gain.  You want a big reward, you need to take a big chance.  All of us need to take our cue from the bad guys and be willing to take a few more chances with our hearts.   Put our selves out their and talk to more people, meet more people and give more people a chance.

Double Standard

There are double standards when it comes to dating.   When we view those standards "in reverse", we get some interesting affects.

Most men don't try to be attractive.  No make up.   Our hair is never styled.   We have no beauty regime at all.  We make no effort with regards to buying or selecting clothing - and the clothing they do buy is cheap.   Don't even get me started on shoes.

Oh and we guys are FAT.   We men are tremendously overweight by the standard society expects of women.  The best looking men I know have a higher body fat percent then the pretty young women.

And most of us are clueless .  We don't pick up the many social clues women give to tell us what to do.  We don't notice who is interested in us, who hates us, or anything else.


Of course, turn about is fair play.  If men are ugly, fat, and clueless,  women are cheap, rude and shy.   Why, women sometimes don't even take a wallet on their dates.  If a guy did that, not only won't he get a second date, but the girl would tell tales of him as the worst date ever.   Which brings us to my next point...

By men's standards, women rude.   It's fine to be rude to rude men.   But the majority of men are not rude - while the majority of women are very rude.   The reason is simple - guys can't be rude until after we are rejected because we get punished directly by women refusing to date us.  The women on the other hand have no negative consequences for being rude to men they don't want to date.   They take full advantage of this freedom and men are expected to "man up" and take it.

Lastly, women are clinically shy when it comes to dating.  If a man was that shy, he would have severe psychological issues requiring professional help.  They don't ask men out, they don't email, they don't approach men without alcohol.  

The double standards are not bad, nor are they good.  They just are.      By their own standards, men are reasonably concerned with how they look, are not significantly more overweight, and pay attention to women.  Women are generous, polite and assertive.


So before you judge the opposite gender, consider how you personally would be judged using the same standard.

Raising children.

Our culture has a serious timing problem.

It is designed so that the best time to start having children is in our 40s.   By then we have a home, know what we want to do with our life, have some money saved up and in general are ready to have children.  Mentally, we are prepared for anything.

This did not used to be the case.  There is a reason why Alexander the Great left Aristotle at the age of 16 and went to work.  Even a hundred years ago, we could start our working career at the age of 16.    Now, we need High School, College, and often Graduate School.  Twenty four is the new sixteen, it takes us 50% longer to get anywhere.  Most of us want to be 'established' before we try to raise children.  That used to be the age of about Twenty six.  Using the 50% longer method, that becomes 39.

Too bad our bodies are way past the prime by the time we hit 39.   Honestly, we evolved to raise a family in our late teens/twenties.   Men and women are most fertile - with the healthiest sperm and eggs back then.   During that time, we have more physical strength and better health.  Twenty years later, when our minds and bank accounts may be ready, but we have lost our physical edge.

Grandparents can only help so much - with both cash and advice.  What we really need is solid health extension, as opposed to life extension.    A good way to offer people in their 40s the solid health and vitality of their age.   Failing that, we fall back on an old strategy.

This is one of the main reasons why men marry younger woman.   If you want children, it makes a lot of sense.  She provides the health and physical stamina, he provide the money, wisdom, and basic security obtained when you are established.  No, it's not just old goats trying to screw pretty women.

I myself am grappling with the fact that I may be just too short and not wealthy enough to attract a woman still in her prime child bearing years.  I may have to give up on the idea of having children myself.   This is a hard decision.  Unlike many men, I have always wanted a child - or two.   I still want to get married, even if I won't have children, but a daughter or son is one of my biggest regrets.

I know, I have given other people the advice of adoption before.   It is illogical, but part of me is egotistical.  I routinely test in the top 1% for most intellectual tests.  I think I am superior to most people and  I want a child of my own genes.

The worst part is I know that any mental advantages I have are countered by clear physical disadvantages.   Even aside from height, I know my body is not the best in the world.  


This next part is very hard for me to admit.  In addition to mere ego, I have some  selfish reasons to have a child of my own genes.  There is a 50/50 chance that in 20 years, I will need a kidney transplant.   I am OK now - I am not on dialysis or anything like that.   I just take some blood pressure medication.   But I may very well be in need of a kidney in the future.  I have family members  - with children - that have said they will offer me a kidney.  But you can't predict the future and things happen.  Part of me thinks it is a good idea to raise a kid myself to increase my odds that someone will be compatible with my genes.

And the rest of me is horrified by the very idea.  To raise a kid to harvest his kidney for your own use?  What kind of person does that. I sound like a monster.  

Before you think I am a monster, keep in mind that I probably could just go find a woman looking for a man to father a child and pay her child support.   There are people out there like that.  I have refused to do it, I think all in all, I have better reasons for wanting a child and will only father one if I think his mother and I can do a good job raising him/her together.

Being a good person does not mean never having evil desires - it means having them and overcoming them.   Nor does being a good person mean never benefiting from your choices.   You are allowed to enjoy life, and accept biological gifts.    It does mean that your choices are based on something more than just your personal needs.  

It's OK to spend your money on nice things as opposed to just giving it all to charity. Similarly, it is OK to prefer fathering a child of my own genes because someday - if I raise them right - they might want to offer me a kidney - assuming we can't grow our own in a petri dish by then.  (Yes, that fanciful daydream is part of why I am taking a Synthetic Biology class - not that I have high expectations of actually doing this).

Why I am still single in 2011

There is no single reason why I am single.  If there was, I could fix that problem and move on.   Instead there are a multiple of things that are holding me back.  Most likely, that is the case with other people.

In no particular order, they are:

• I am picky.  I like smart, thinner women, and that limits my pool of potential dates.   I have rejected women for both weight and intelligence, some of whom I probably could have had good relationships with.    I can accept smart, moderately overweight woman, or average intelligence, thin women, but even they are relatively rare. 
• I still want children.  This means I focus on younger woman.  I don't exclude woman older than me, but I take it into consideration.
• I don't drink.   This is a big one, it interferes with the major activity used as a back ground for dating, and means I come off as more inhibited than the people drinking alcohol.  In addition, other may think I am boring, or worse, the reason why they aren't having fun if they don't drink.
• I am assertive and short.  Women that like assertive men tend to want taller men.  Some women like short men, many women like assertive men, but few want both assertive AND short. 
• I am not thin.  I wish I was in better shape, but I am not.  I could lose 10 pounds and look better.  I do go to the gym 4x a week, but as of yet I have just turned some fat into muscle, and increased my stamina without losing weight.   
• Thick feet and neck.  Not tot he point of disfigured, but enough to make clothing difficult.  Doctor have tested me for thyroid problems, (no I don't have any.)  This means that if I button a dress shirt, it is uncomfortably tight.  So no ties.  Thick feet means I have similar problems with dress shoes - they hurt my feet.  More so than wearing high heels hurts most women.  Net result suiting up makes me very uncomfortable.
• Nerdy.  I like weird, sciency stuff, and dislike sports.  Some women find this a turn off.   Never quite understood why.   But that's kind of the definition of a nerd, isn't it ?  (What a nerdy thing to say!) 
• I have a reasonable good job.  But in Manhattan, the standards are higher.   Here, the smart, pretty woman are looking for a man to support them with at least $150k/year, preferably over $200k. 
• I am allergic to cats.  Way too many single women have multiple cats.  Studies show 15-30% of people are allergic to them.  There is a reason why the stereotype of people with multiple cats is of an old maid.

So, how do I plan on fixing this.   I won't start drinking.  I can't change height, feet, or neck.  I won't change my personality (assertive/nerdy).  While a vaccine for cat allergies is in the works, it is not yet available.

That leaves:

• Forget about having children.
• Be less picky
• Lose weight
• Get a raise/better job.

Less picky is the easiest thing to do.  If I lower my standards, I can probably get myself an overweight, smart girlfriend.  Particularly if I forget about being a father and go after older woman.

I am working hard at losing weight.  I try to go to the gym three-four hours a week, plus tango dancing.

Getting a better job is more difficult.  I am at the high end of the salary range for my current position, I would need to shift jobs to do significantly better.  Right now, I am not actively looking, but it may come to that.  Honestly, if I do meet someone that wants me only if I make over $150k/year, I am not sure I want them.

Which is in fact the real question - how much am I willing to compromise on the things I want? 

No, that is NOT lowering your standards.  It is about a reasonable amount of personal growth.  I am trying to be less shallow about what I want, but I also have to be willing to attract someone that is a bit more shallow than I would wish.

Reasonable amounts of personal growth are also needed to maintain a relationship.   Relationships are not about finding someone that will love all of your idiosyncrasies, anymore than it is about removing all of them.  It is about making the hard choices about which ones you will fix for your lover and which ones your lover will forgive.   Both of you have to do this - accept some idiosyncrasies and fix others.