In no particular order, they are:
- I am picky. I like smart, thinner women, and that limits my pool of potential dates. I have rejected women for both weight and intelligence, some of whom I probably could have had good relationships with. I can accept smart, moderately overweight woman, or average intelligence, thin women, but even they are relatively rare.
- I still want children. This means I focus on younger woman. I don't exclude woman older than me, but I take it into consideration.
- I don't drink. This is a big one, it interferes with the major activity used as a back ground for dating, and means I come off as more inhibited than the people drinking alcohol. In addition, other may think I am boring, or worse, the reason why they aren't having fun if they don't drink.
- I am assertive and short. Women that like assertive men tend to want taller men. Some women like short men, many women like assertive men, but few want both assertive AND short.
- I am not thin. I wish I was in better shape, but I am not. I could lose 10 pounds and look better. I do go to the gym 4x a week, but as of yet I have just turned some fat into muscle, and increased my stamina without losing weight.
- Thick feet and neck. Not tot he point of disfigured, but enough to make clothing difficult. Doctor have tested me for thyroid problems, (no I don't have any.) This means that if I button a dress shirt, it is uncomfortably tight. So no ties. Thick feet means I have similar problems with dress shoes - they hurt my feet. More so than wearing high heels hurts most women. Net result suiting up makes me very uncomfortable.
- Nerdy. I like weird, sciency stuff, and dislike sports. Some women find this a turn off. Never quite understood why. But that's kind of the definition of a nerd, isn't it ? (What a nerdy thing to say!)
- I have a reasonable good job. But in Manhattan, the standards are higher. Here, the smart, pretty woman are looking for a man to support them with at least $150k/year, preferably over $200k.
- I am allergic to cats. Way too many single women have multiple cats. Studies show 15-30% of people are allergic to them. There is a reason why the stereotype of people with multiple cats is of an old maid.
So, how do I plan on fixing this. I won't start drinking. I can't change height, feet, or neck. I won't change my personality (assertive/nerdy). While a vaccine for cat allergies is in the works, it is not yet available.
That leaves:
- Forget about having children.
- Be less picky
- Lose weight
- Get a raise/better job.
I am working hard at losing weight. I try to go to the gym three-four hours a week, plus tango dancing.
Getting a better job is more difficult. I am at the high end of the salary range for my current position, I would need to shift jobs to do significantly better. Right now, I am not actively looking, but it may come to that. Honestly, if I do meet someone that wants me only if I make over $150k/year, I am not sure I want them.
Which is in fact the real question - how much am I willing to compromise on the things I want?
No, that is NOT lowering your standards. It is about a reasonable amount of personal growth. I am trying to be less shallow about what I want, but I also have to be willing to attract someone that is a bit more shallow than I would wish.
Reasonable amounts of personal growth are also needed to maintain a relationship. Relationships are not about finding someone that will love all of your idiosyncrasies, anymore than it is about removing all of them. It is about making the hard choices about which ones you will fix for your lover and which ones your lover will forgive. Both of you have to do this - accept some idiosyncrasies and fix others.
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