Thursday, October 6, 2011

Not the Destination

I recently heard some one say that every relationship ends and that the absolute best you can hope for is death.

My response is "Do you ask for your money back when you realize that the Carnival cruise you went on brings you back to the same place you started with?"  No.    It's the journey, not the destination.

Which is why "I'll change/teach/fix/help/cure him/her" is such a bad idea.   Even if you succeed,  chances are pretty high that some one else will get the benefit - you fix them but they leave you for someone else because instead of having fun in the relationship, you turned it into school.   You need to enter a relationship that is good at the beginning.  Often relationships get worse, not better because many people are addicted to the hormonal rush of a new relationship.  That feels wonderful, but it fades away.  If you are one of those people, you may suddenly find yourself in a slow race to death.

The trick is to find someone that can deepen the relationship after the fun, but distracting hormonal rush is over.  Someone that as you get to know them, you can trust, depend on, and enjoy spending time with.  It doesn't have to be 100% of your time - but you need to miss them when you are away.

A large part of trusting them is that you can not feel they are the enemy - or the parent you must hide stuff from.   You need to want to make them feel better - not be looking for their mistakes.  And they need to know that.  If they are hiding things from you - even if it is just the fact that they like cartoons.   Because there happiness will directly affect yours.  

This works best if both people are using the same technique.  If both are focused on their partner's happiness, then both see results quickly.  But it works even if you are dating someone that doesn't make your happiness their focus.

You see everyone has faults.  It is NOT your job to fix your mate.  If you can't live with them that way, tell them and get them to work on fixing it.  Or leave them if you can't stand it.  Or insist on some kind of fix - such as hiring a maid if they are too messy for you and you won't clean up after them.   But do not expect them to become the maid.

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