Lists of standards.

Here is a list of non-shallow standards.  Look them over and consider what is important to you.  "vs." means you have to pick from one side, you can't have both.  Things grouped  with either a slash or an  "and" tend to go together.

1. Ethics/Trustworthiness/Honesty
2. Respect
3. Communication skills
4. Family
5. Marriage
6. Future children and Child rearing ideology
7. (Assertive and Arrogant)  vs. (Accommodating and Wimpy)
8. Gentleman and chauvinistic vs. liberated 
9. Treat people (s)he is not dating
10. Sexual compatibility
11. Abusive
12. legal issues
13. Geography
14. Allergies
15. Sense of Humor
16. Sense of Silly
17. On Time
18. Ambition
19. Intelligence
20. Whiny and Complainer
21. Oscar vs Felix.

First, not everyone is going to value all of these things.   There is nothing wrong with not wanting children, or not caring about a sense of humor.   Second, some of these are categories rather than yes/no questions.

A couple of points I need to clarify.  The difference between ethics, trustworthiness and honesty.  Ethics is about what they think is right, trustworthy is about whether they will keep their word, honesty is about what they will admit.

When I say family, I am referring to their pre-existing family.  That refers to both any children they may have and other relatives.  If you have a sick father that you take care of, that is important.

Assertive/Accommodating.  I like to think of these as opposites. Ask yourself if you would rather have an assertive arrogant person or an accommodating wimpy person.  While not all assertive people are arrogant, the connection is common enough that you need to consider it. (Same for accommodating and wimpy.)

Similarly, being a gentleman has some advantages and disadvantages. 

How your date treats people they are not dating is very important.   People are on their best behaviour on dating, particular the first ones.  If you want to know how someone is going to treat you five years after they know you, see how they treat waiters (or other servants), their friends, and even previous relationships.

Sexual compatibility.  This is not just "gay/straight", but also things like "Do I like to have sex in the dark, one a month while she likes to do it tied up, after being flogged, in a public park, twice a week, in a tub of jello".    It is a good idea to figure this out BEFORE you try to have sex, not after.


Legal Issues includes everything from bankruptcy rulings to being in prison (now or previously).

Geography - long distance relationships are not easy.  Will you move?  Will they?  When?

Allergies - pets are wonderful, but they may limit your options.

Sense of Silly is similar to a sense of humour, but it is more like being in touch with your inner child.  Do you want someone that is willing to get into a pie fight with you, or someone that will complain about the childishness.

On time may not be important to  you.   I have cancelled a date once, and been 25 minutes late for a date (I called).  On the other hand I have had countless (well over 30) people cancel on me and waited upto 1 1/2 hours for a date (she did call and say she would be late).   Make up your mind how much crap you are willing to put up with.

Ambition is a tough one - so many people use it as code for "rich".   If you truly want an ambitious date, then you would rather go out with someone that is broke because their 4th start up failed (just like the first 3), as opposed to someone that inherited 5 million dollars and is living on the interest.   Be honest, you are only hurting yourself if you lie here.

Oscar/Felix refers to "The Odd Couple".  Would you rather someone that is laid back and messy or rather someone that is obsessively cleaning all the time.

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The shallow standards men use for women tend to be (in order of most used/most important):

1. Age
2. Weight/thin
3. Breasts
4. Face
5. Hair
6. Money/job (at least for some modern men)

Note, the first two are the big ones for men.   Most men will say someone that is young and thin = 7, even if everything else is really bad.  If a guy is willing to date older, heavier women, he can have his pick of some wonderful women.

The shallow standards women tend to use for men are:

1. Height
2. Power
3. Money
4. Muscles/Weight
5. Hair
6. Clothing

For women, height is the big one.  Most women want a guy over 6', and will date an unemployed, broke, fat, bald man with bad taste in clothing.  If a woman is willing to date short men, she gets her pick of great men.

Note their are more shallow standards out there, but not that much more.    This causes some problems as most people are looking for pretty much the same stuff.   While it is easy to see who is tall/has large breasts, they are in demand.  This is characteristic of shallow standards.   To be a shallow standard, they have to be easily detectable, and most are relatively hard to change (clothing and hair are the exceptions).

It should also be noted that enough money can buy weight, breasts, face, hair, clothing and muscles.  Money can't buy height, power, money, or age (but everyone started out as the same age).  Keep in mind that most women under 29 can make herself a 10, with no more than a year of work and about $10 grand, while men generally need at least 5 years, $100 grand, and even then they may be too short to attract most women.

Finally, a reminder that I have nothing against being shallow, but there are costs to being shallow.  The more shallow standards you use, (particularly the lower number ones, the more you restrict your dating pool.  Eventually you end up with no one worth dating.